MORE THAN WE CAN IMAGINE

'Ask and it will be given to you; seek

and you will find;

knock and the door will be opened to you.'

~Matthew 7:7

The entire month of October was a month of asking God for many things!  Asking for my closest friends, my coworkers and myself.  We were not asking to be greedy or to be selfish.  We were not begging.  We were asking because God instructs us to ask, to petition Him for the things we need and even the things we want.  That's one of the gazillion things I love about God. He is all knowing, the designer of all things, the giver of life; yet He wants us to come to Him and ask for even the simplest things in life.  

For several years now, God has been nudging me to write. As I told you in my first post, I didn't want to do it.  I was scared, embarrassed, didn't think I had time or the skills required and so on, but I knew it was something He wanted me to do.  I think it is so funny how much I love and trust Him, yet I was still so scared to do something He was asking me to do.  Beginning October 1st I prayed that God would give me the courage I needed to actually sit down and do what He was asking me to do. On October 18th I was driving home from work and decided that I would finally just do it.  It was sort of odd,  I expected this big wave of confidence to come over me or the Holy Spirit to be like a cheerleader chanting in my ear saying "You can do it!  Go Lisa Go!" or something similar.  Nothing magical or spectacular happened, I just simply decided it was time and I was going to do it.  God doesn't have to put on a big show to answer your prayers, He just answers them.

My courage to sit down and write bits and pieces of my story reminds me of another time in my life when I found courage.  This time, I am certain it was an answer to prayers my parents had said for me.  I was an extremely shy child. Painfully shy.  From as far back as I can remember until I was in 7th grade, I always felt less than.  I felt like I wasn't as smart as the other kids, I felt ugly, I felt like I would be made fun of if I talked to someone. It was horrible.  I honestly don't know where these thoughts came from (other than satan himself).  As far as I remember no one had ever spoken those words to or over me.  It all came from my own mind.

I was standing on the risers in choir one day and I just decided I was not going to be shy anymore.  I was tired of it.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened that day, nothing special.  I just decided it was time to lay down my shyness and pick up my true personality.  That night I went home and told my mom I wanted some new clothes and that I was no longer going to be shy.  Her jaw dropped to the ground.  Retrospectively, I wonder if my request for new clothing was a burden to them? My mother put down her newspaper and took me shopping immediately.  We walked into a little boutique and I walked out with a whole new wardrobe.  Several days later, a bag full of hand me down clothing showed up on my bed.  The bag held so many Gloria Vandebilt and Sasson treasures, I simply couldn't believe it! Don't get me wrong, clothes didn't change who I was.However, the clothes I wore before were clothes that were more fitted to an older woman than to a tween.  I chose those clothes to hide behind.  Part of me becoming me was allowing myself to fit in with the rest of the girls my age. God did so much in my life in just a few seconds on the risers in 7th grade choir.  From that moment on, I was no longer shy.  I have since found unimaginable courage in so many areas of my life. I have found confidence in my God given talents and abilities.  I have discovered that I am beautiful inside and out, because He made me.  I have found my voice and look people in the eyes.   I have spoken at conferences in rooms that were filled with over 8000 faces looking back at me and over 8000 sets of ears listening to me. I have found the courage to tell anyone willing to read my blog, the truth about how amazing my God is!

It gives me chills when I think about how much God can do without having to show off.  Just a gentle outpouring of courage can change everything in an instant. I am grateful for these quiet answers to prayer.

This month of asking also produced many gifts from our God that were a little more public and grand.  I have a friend that has been praying for a job for over 8 months and He went back to work the week after Thanksgiving. During the 8 months of prayer this friend and his wife were diligent in their prayers, their tithes, their offerings and standing on God's promises.  Oh, there were days of discouragement, doubt, disappointment, but deep down they never lost their faith and hope in our true provider.  During this time without a job, provision came in so many wonderful ways. God is faithful all the time.  Sometimes, it is just hard to see when you are in the midst of a storm.  I love that this job offer came at the end of a month of intentionally asking for specific things, standing on the promises in Ephesians 3:20, having friends pray specifically for your requests and just in God's perfect timing.

I have another couple in my circle of friends that have been praying for a baby for so very long. God spoke to them at the beginning of 2016 and promised them a child this year.  October is very late in the year to be expecting a baby by year end, when there is no baby on the horizon.  In true and perfect confirmation of the promises that He can do MORE than we can ASK or IMAGINE, He blessed this family with a beautiful baby girl on October 16th.  It was perfect timing.  It was beautiful and it was more than any of us could have imagined. 

As a reminder, here were my big asks:

• Have the courage to write the book God has been nudging me to do for the last couple of years - as explained above and evidenced by this blog, God answered this so quietly, yet so awesomely.
• I asked for the bakery to bring in a certain dollar amount each day-for several days in October, November and now December this specific dollar amount was reached or exceeded, and I am looking forward to the day it will be met every single day without fail.  I know it is coming, I know I have to work for it and I know I have to keep tithing and blessing others, but it is coming!  
• For complete and total supernatural healing of my mother's seizures-still believing this one is coming!  I think this will be a quiet answer as well, one day we will just say....."Oh my goodness!  It has been 2 months since mom has had a seizure!"....and then they will never return.
• To lose weight-I am thrilled to report that I have lost 17 pounds in the last 6 weeks and I have full expectations that I will meet my goal!  I have been needing to lose weight for years, but this time I am actually seeing results.
• And one more that is just too personal to put on this little blog-still praying about this one, but I have had so many God winks lately, that I fully believe God is going to blow my mind on this one.  When He does, I will share all the details with you.

I just can't say it enough.......God is so good.

ASK BIG......THANK BIG

 Now to Him who is able to do far

more abundantly than all that we

ask or think according to the power at 

work within us, to Him be glory in the church

and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations

forever and ever. Amen ~ Ephesians 3:20-21

I love Thanksgiving!  It is a season to reflect and truly give thanks.  It kicks off the holidays and ushers us into the Christmas season. For the last several years, I have reflected on the unexpected phone call that came just days before Thanksgiving in 2011 and the journey that followed.  I am reminded that if it had not been for my relationship with Jesus this season could be so different.  I am thankful for every single step of this journey.  I am thankful that Jesus and I walked hand and hand through the mess and came out on the other side better, stronger, happier and blessed beyond anything I could have imagined!

Baked Bliss is buzzing this week with Thanksgiving orders.  I absolutely love working the Wednesday before Thanksgiving at the bakery.  There is much to do and on any other day this might seem overwhelming. but for some reason on this day the extra orders and chaos are just different.  This day more than any other day of the year is full of joy, laughter, gratitude and a lot of hard work.  I am thankful for this little bakery and I am thankful for all the blessings I have received this year.

In late September of this year, our Executive Pastor challenged our staff to make October a month of big asking!  Asking God for things that may seem impossible, that might seem too big or too out of reach.  He gave us several scriptures that teach us about asking: He suggested we make a list of our asks and consistently with thanksgiving and humility petition God for these things.

• John 4:10 "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that is saying to you 'Give me a drink', you would have asked him, and he would have given you the water."
• James 4:2-3  "You do not have, because you do not ask.  You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly. to spend it on your passions."
• Mark 11:24 "Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
• Matthew 7:7-11 "Ask and it will be given to you;seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? or if he asks for fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though wou are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!'
• John 14:12-14 Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.  And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may  be glorified in the Son.  You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
• Philippians 4:6-8  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcend all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about those things.

The verse that stuck out to me and that I have clung to over these last several weeks is

• Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.  

This challenge was so exciting to me.  I have asked big and crazy things of God in the past and He has definitely done abundantly more than I could have ever imagined.  Challenge accepted.

 That night when I got home and into my comfy clothes I didn't turn on my TV or have any dinner.  I read all of the verses about asking and thought about what I wanted to ask for.  Not to be selfish or to ask for the sake of asking, but to ask because my Heavenly Father loves me so much that He wants me to bring my asks to Him.  I was surprised at how quickly I came up with my list.  They were all things that I have prayed about previously, but this time it just felt different.

The next evening, Tuesday, I had bible study with some of the most amazing women in my life.  I love this group.  We call ourselves the LEAP girls, Laugh Eat And Pray girls.This group started long before I became a member, but I have been a part of this group for almost 4 years now and treasure every single time we meet.  We have done countless bible studies together, celebrated together, cried together and most importantly prayed together.  I pray each of you reading this has a group of friends that will stand with you in prayer.  I mean honestly, sincerely, earnestly, persistently PRAY with and for you.  I told the LEAP girls about the challenge my boss had presented to the staff and they jumped on board.  We have a prayer book that we pass around each time we meet.  We all agreed that we would come up with a list of 3-5 big asks and by the next week we would all be brave and put these asks in the book, no matter how big or personal they were.

One of the girls in LEAP is the manager at Baked Bliss and the next day she took this challenge to our staff at the bakery.

The first Wednesday of each month our church has a Deeper service.  It is a night of worship, baptism and communion.  It is one of my favorite nights of each month.  Our worship is alive and truly ushers all in attendance into the presence of God,.  Baptism is always an exciting thing and I absolutely love watching people come up out of the water and rejoice!  Makes my soul sing!  Communion is just so personal and I weep every time I take communion.  Before service our Ministering Elders meet for prayer.  During this session the leader said that he had this overwhelming sense that we should be asking for BIG things during this season.  What a confirmation!

I absolutely love the ripple effects this thought of asking has had!  I love that so many of us are not only asking for ourselves, but standing firmly in agreement with our friends, co-worker and loved ones in their asks as well.

My asks were as follows:

• Have the courage to write the book God has been nudging me to do for the last couple of years.
• I asked for the bakery to bring in a certain dollar amount each day.
• For complete and total supernatural healing of my mother's seizures.
• To lose weight.
• And one more that is just too personal to put on this little blog.  

I set my alarm for 3:20 (standing on Ephesians 3:20) each afternoon to remind me to stop and ask. I pray off and on all throughout the day.  When I need help finding something, I pray.  When I am reminded of someone that I have promised to pray for, I pray.  When I am thankful and joyful, I pray.  When I need anything at all, I pray.  When I see any kind of emergency vehicle, I pray.  Sometimes these prayers are short and take only a few seconds and sometimes they take several minutes.  When my alarm goes off at 3:20 my prayers start with thanks and then I ask.  I ask for my requests and for all the requests that I have been made aware of others.  My list currently has about 47 asks from myself and others.  I ask each day at 3:20 for all 47.  I don't only ask, but I thank God for the answers and miracles He is going to bring.

I can't wait to share with you in my next post of all the answers that have come.  They are big and they are mighty!

Ask
Believe
Wait
Recieve
Rejoice
Shout of His goodness!

JESUS IS BETTER

Come, let us sing to the LORD! 

Let us shout joyfully to the rock of our salvation. 

Let us come to Him with thanksgiving. 

Let us sing psalms of praise to Him.

~Psalm 95:1-2

 

 

If there is one thing I know for certain, it's that God answers prayers!

My oldest daughter and her husband had started talking about babies just before I went off to camp.  They didn't get serious about actually having a baby until the fall of 2012.  

They were pregnant just shortly after they started trying.  We were all so very happy!  The first baby on my side of the family in over 12 years and on my son in law's side of the family it had been several years as well.  That Christmas we hung small little stockings on the fireplace, dreamed about next Christmas with a little one getting so many presents and only wanting to play with the boxes.  Our conversations were all about baby.  One of my favorite pictures at my younger daughter's wedding is of both my daughters just after my youngest daughter kissed her sister's belly.  There is such joy on each of their faces.  My youngest is still kneeling and smiling so big and my oldest has her head thrown back in laughter.  What a great moment for a mother!  My heart swells with joy each time I see this picture.  However, there is also a sadness and hurt that comes along with this picture.  Shortly after the first of the year, just as my daughter was heading into her 2nd trimester, the unthinkable happened.  She miscarried. Heavy hearts and tears were abundant.  Her doctor told her she thought she could go through the course of the miscarriage at home.  Days of pain and sadness were to follow.  

 

My daughter and her husband waited the allotted amount of time given by her physician to try again.  We were all so very excited when she shared the news that they were again expecting!  We all immediately started talking about names and the joy and hopes of a new little family member returned!  At approximately 8 weeks along she started having complications and the doctors informed us that they believed she had another miscarriage.  Stricken with grief once again, we all mourned the loss of another baby.  It is more than heartbreaking for a mother to watch her child go through this.  Especially when this mother has also suffered the loss of babies.  There are so many things that run through your mind when you lose a baby. The what if's, why didn't I's and so on.  Until you or your spouse have sat on that table and listened to the words, I'm so sorry, but....., you have no idea the absolute sadness and loss associated with this.  About 4-6 weeks after this news, my daughter tells me she feels like something isn't right.  She makes a doctor's appointment and to all of our shock and surprise they do an ultrasound and that little heart beat is still bumping along. Talk about a roller coaster!  For 1-2 more weeks (my timeline gets fuzzy here) we celebrate this little life that was thought to be lost and now wasn't for it to only end in a true loss.  On the day she found out that the little heartbeat was no longer beating she had already scheduled an interview.  She
went straight from the ultrasound, the I'm so sorry, but....conversation to her job interview.  My daughter is amazing! She is more than a conqueror!  She is a warrior!  I stand amazed at her and her husband's faith over and over. This time she was far enough along into her 2nd trimester that she would require surgery. She was already in the back being prepped for her procedure when her cell phone rings, it is the lady she had the interview with and she is offered the job.  A little God wink on an otherwise bad day.

It is now September and my youngest daughter has been married 8 1/2 months.  I get a phone call and she is now telling me that she and her husband are expecting a baby in late spring (they are guessing May).  This isn't by any means planned.  I still feel horrible about my reaction to this news.  My first response was "What about E and C?  Do they know?  Oh my goodness."  I absolutely regret these being my first words.  I was over joyed at my core at the thought of my youngest becoming a mommy, but my heart literally ached for my oldest!  I can't quite explain the battle that raged in my heart and mind. So thrilled for one and so heartbroken for the other.  If I could do this conversation over., I so would.  I would have first expressed my joy and excitement for my youngest and her husband and later had a conversation with my oldest and her husband about my grief for them.  I cannot undo my initial reaction and the words that came out of my mouth.  My only peace comes from knowing that conversations that followed were of  excitement and the fact that my youngest daughter knows without a doubt how in love with my grandson I am.

My youngest struggled with this pregnancy and felt so much guilt.  She cried on days where she should have been overwhelmed with joy.  She worried about her sister and brother in law and forgot on many days to be completely consumed with her own well deserved happiness.  I regret the part I played in these struggles by my response to her happy news.  I am grateful that she did learn to find her joy and glow of pregnancy. She is a woman of mercy and much love.  She too is a warrior and a conqueror.

My oldest and her husband handled this like champs.  They were excited about a little one coming to our family.   They celebrated with all of us.  I know that in deepest parts of their hearts and when alone they must have mourned their losses over again and must have felt the littlest bits of grief and questioned why.

During my youngest's 3rd trimester, my oldest once again became pregnant.  With caution and faith we all were thankful.  They would hold off on announcing this pregnancy until after the 2nd trimester and reports from the doctor were positive.  Just a few days after my youngest gave birth, my oldest and her husband announced to the world via facebook that they were expecting.  So much celebration.  So much gratitude.  So much to look forward to.  The. very.  next.  day. tragedy strikes again.  Pains and bleeding lead to an ultrasound which leads to that dreadful conversation once again.

Once again she is scheduled for a surgery due to the size of the baby and the length of the pregnancy.  She is set for her procedure on the 29th of May, just 7 days after her nephew was born.  My family is that family that ALL shows up when someone is having surgery or in the hospital.  Sometimes I feel a little self-conscience about the number of people we bring to a waiting room, but I honestly wouldn't have it any other  way.  So, my daughter goes back and the rest of us are sitting in the tucked away corner of the waiting room of the surgicneter.    We are next to what I assume is the surgicenter nurse managers office.  It is a busy little office, people in scrubs are in and out.  Sometimes they bring stuff into the office and sometimes they leave with a stack of papers.  We have commented on how busy that poor manager is.  My daughter has been in surgery for about 20 minutes when a nurse or scrub tech bursts through the door and barrels into the manager's office.  She had a look of sheer terror on her face.  She was white as a ghost.  You could most definitely tell something was not right.  Little did any of us know that the look of terror was regarding my daughter.  Just a couple of minutes later my son-in-law and I are called into a small room and we are informed by a nurse that their has been a complication in my daughter's surgery.  Her iliac artery has been nicked and she has lost 1/3 of the blood in her body.  We are told that several surgeons have been called and the first one to arrive "will save her life."  I.  have.. never.. been.. so scared.  in my entire life.  I begged the nurse to tell me everything was going to be okay.  I begged her to give me a glimmer of hope.  I begged her to look me in the eyes and give me a hint of peace.  The best she could offer was to pray with us.  I took it!  We prayed for everyone involved.  Prayed for my daughter from the tip of her head to the tips of her toes and everything in between.

Throughout all the pregnancies many prayers have been said.  Many requests for favor have been solicited.  Many desperate prayers.  But none of these prayers compared to the prayers I and my family said that day.

A surgeon and his team of 5 bolt through the front doors of the surgicenter carrying all kinds of gear.  I know this is the team that with God's favor, grace and mercy will save my daughter.  I still don't know why they came through the front doors and not the doctor/staff entrance.  I am grateful I saw their arrival.  It seemed like hours had passed from the time we were informed of this horrible news until this team walked through the door.  In reality it was only 27 minutes. Seeing them gave me peace.  I swear I feel like they were wearing capes and they sort of flew in the doors.  I knew God was already in the room with my daughter and I believed with everything I had that she would be okay. However, my mind kept going to places I don't care to say.  Dark and scary places.  Prayers would settle my mind for a minute and then the enemy would whisper devastating thoughts to me.  GET.  thee.  BEHIND.  ME. satan!  Not today!  Today will have a happy ending!

Approximately a half hour later, both the original physician and the super-hero surgeon meet us in the small room which is now overflowing with family, pastors and friends to tell us that they have stopped the bleeding and that she will need to ride in an ambulance to the hospital and have a stay in surgical icu, but they honestly believe she will make a full recovery.  The poor surgeon that had nicked her artery was so distraught and full of apologies.  My heart hurt for her.  She told us she had been in practice for 30 years and nothing like this had ever happened to her before.  She cried with us.  She prayed with us.  She celebrated God's favor in sparing my daughter's life with us.  The super-hero surgeon with his cape (OR coat) waving in the wind (breeze from the ac) was just as attentive to our fears, sorrow and gratefulness.  He too stood in the circle as we lifted up prayers of thanks and continued healing. My daughter will later tell me that she had a premonition that something was going to happen during the procedure.

This momma's heart had about all it could take.  I wanted so badly for my oldest and her hubby to be parents, but I was so afraid.  They too had felt the weight of all of this and decided to take a little breather and just seek God and see what He had to tell them about their future as parents.  In the interim they are amazing with their nephew.  You can just see the love they have for him.  Their joy is real and sincere.  It is God's grace.  I believe God sent this sweet boy to our family for many reasons.  One of those reasons was to comfort his grieving Aunt and Uncle.  God's grace is just so sweet and perfect.

One Sunday afternoon  in early September after church, my daughter and son-in-law are sort of arguing back and forth about whether they should try again for a baby or if maybe adoption is what they are called to do.  They decide to pray about it and my son-in-law tells my daughter "I just wish I could hear God's voice and know exactly what He wants us to do!"

That night as my son-in-law climbs into bed he grabs his devotional.  The title for that night's study is 'Deciphering God's Voice'.  It is the story of Samuel and Eli.

"And the Lord called Samuel again the third time. And he he arose and

went to Eli and said, "here I am, for you called me." Then Eli perceived 

that the Lord was calling the boy.  Therefore Eli said to Samuel, "Go, lie 

down, and if he calls you, you shall say, 'Speak, Lord, for your servant

hears.'"  So Samuel went and lay down in his place. 

And the Lord came and stood, calling as at other times, "Samuel! Samuel!"

And Samuel said, "Speak, for  your servant hears."

~1 Samuel 3:8-10

That night as they prayed, they did hear the Lord.  They heard adoption was a course He had planned for them.  They knew in an instant that a son would be named Eli.

Just a couple of short weeks later I have told anyone that would listen about their plans to adopt.  I am sitting in the drive thru line at Chick Fil A and my phone rings.  It is a good friend that I connected with in that warehouse painting furniture.  She tells me that a friend of hers that she had told our story to has called her.  This friend's daughter has a friend on facebook that has just posted she is needing to find an adoptive family for the baby she is pregnant with.  A baby that is due the first of October.  I call my daughter and tell her this news.  She tells her hubby.  An hour later we meet at my friend's house to meet this mother.  She explains to us that her situation has changed very drastically over the last several days and the baby's father has left her with no money and no way to raise a second child.  She says she wants to give her baby to my daughter and son-in-law.  Oh my goodness!  That was fast!  We are talking and I ask about a name.  They said it would be Eli.  The pregnant girl sitting across from us bursts into tears and shows us a facebook post from several weeks prior.  She had planned to name this baby Eli.  

We work out some details and obtain a lawyer.  We cover her expenses and pay all of her back rent and such.  We take this young woman and her 4 year old daughter under our wings as we prepare for the arrival of the baby.  My daughter and I go to the remaining doctor's appointments.  We hear the heartbeat, we are given all the previous ultrasound pictures.  Our excitement is over the top.  At the last appointment before Eli is born, a date is set for induction.  The night before induction this young woman spends the night at my house.  The next morning we arrive at the hospital and get settled into the delivery room.  The lobby is filled with about 15 family members anxiously awaiting the birth of this sweet child.  14 hours later this precious baby is born, my son-in-law cuts the cord and the baby is immediately placed in my daughter's arms and skin to skin is initiated.  It was a beautiful moment for all of us, but a sad and hard moment for this young woman.  My family is escorted to a nearby room where everyone can relish in this birth and take turns holding this sweet boy.  The smiles are contagious and are from ear to ear. I stay with the young woman that just spent the last 9 months carrying this child.  

The next day she is released from the hospital.  Before her departure, she signs guardianship papers for my daughter and her hubby.  They place their names on the birth certificate. 

At last, there is a child in their arms.  

When a mother gives birth and decides to give her child up for adoption, there is a 48 hour waiting period before she can terminate her rights.  43 hours into the 48 hour waiting period, I get a call from the birth mother.  "I can't do it!  I need him back!  Now!" is all she said to me.  This.  this is my worst day.  Oh my goodness, I did not do well!  I lost it.  Completely and totally lost it.  I was so angry at her, so angry at God. So angry.  So angry.  "Why God, WHY?????!!!????  We did not have to be sad today!  Why did you bring this baby to us, just to yank him away?  WHY?" I am having a melt down, screaming these things into the atmosphere in my office.  It is not pretty.  It is not full of faith.  It is not the least bit who I am called to be.  It is not at all soft or quiet.  It is blood curdling screams of anguish and and uncontrollable grief.  What am I going to tell these new parents that have already been through so very much?  How can this mother's heart sit there and watch the faces of joy turn to sadness.  

I call my pastor who is also my friend.  He and his wife have formed relationship with this birth mother.  Maybe they can talk some sense into her.  I go to the Dream Center and I am still having a nervous breakdown.  I have not yet told my daughter or her husband of this news.  I am trying to figure out a way for this not to be true.  For this not to be something we have to walk through.  My pastor's wife, my dear friend, is in the office talking to this woman that is tearing my world apart. My pastor is trying his best to console me.  It is not working!  He is reminding me of all that God has done for me and my family. He tells me "This world is not always good, but God is!  Remember that."  He is doing his best to get me into some kind of reasonable thinking.  He reminds me that I need to tell my daughter and son-in-law.  All I can see is tragedy.  I can't fathom how in this world they will be able to bear this news.  I can't stomach the looks on their faces as they fall apart.  I can't get a grip on us handing that baby back to it's birth mother.  

My pastor and his wife agree to go with me to my daughter's house and break the news.  I have called  an adoption agency that our church has formed a relationship with.  We are not using them for this adoption, but I feel like we need to make this transaction at their place of business.  Somewhere that is equipped to handle these things.  They agree. 

My daughter and her husband are literally just pulling into their driveway from the hospital about to take this baby into his new home for the first time as we pull in behind them.  We go inside and I do my best to hold it together and spit the words out.  They immediately cry.  Within just a few seconds my son-in-law is on his knees and fumbling with his phone.  He grabs my daughter into the floor with him.  They cling to the baby and to each other and he puts on worship music.  I am in complete and utter shock and awe.  The song JESUS IS BETTER is blasting from his iphone.  They are on their knees praising God.  They are in such a tight embrace there is literally no space between them and that sweet baby.  

This is nothing like I had pictured in my head!  This is not the things nightmares are made of.  This is a picture of unconditional love.  A picture of faith like I have never seen.  It is beautiful, yet heart breaking.  My words do not do this moment justice.   

A couple of hours later we are on the lawn of the adoption agency as the birth mother is in talking to the counselor.  The birth mother's mother comes over and tries to touch my daughter and say something to her.  Her husband quickly pulls her into his arms and tells this woman to stay away.  He tells us that he had an uncontrollable urge to protect her from this woman.  This woman literally flees to a corner and cowers there for several minutes until her daughter emerges from the office.

It is our turn to go in.  We carry the baby in with us.  The adoption attorney and founder of this agency and her assistant are sitting at a table waiting for us.  They confirm the news that the birth mother wants her baby back.  They call the birth mother in and my son-in-law reluctantly hands the baby to her.

I mean it when I say, this was my worst day.  It had beautiful moments of courage and faith, but it was my worst day.

The next day reality sets in and things are hard.  To me this was worse than a miscarriage.  Please don't get me wrong, miscarriage is loss and it hurts deep and long.  But this.  This was almost harder as there was still a baby.  A baby that was being taken from our arms.  A baby with a lifetime ahead of him.  A baby that will most likely never know how much this other family loved him.
My daughter is clinging to her faith and her husband is right beside her proclaiming God's goodness.  They tell us that they believe they were meant to be this baby's parents, if only for 43 hours.  They were called for whatever reason.  The prayers, the words spoken, the love, whatever the reason he was meant to be theirs if only for a moment. Wow.  Just, wow!  So mature to be so young.  So grounded and strong in their faith.

I am on the phone with my friend, the genius that came up with the cookie card, and I am still sobbing and mourning.  I am not being as strong as my children.  I am telling her that I love God and I know He is real, but I don't want to do this!  I don't want to walk through this.  I don't want to be sad.  We didn't have to be sad.  I go on and on.  I tell her that the bible is full of horror stories.  Yes, stories of horrible trials and hardship.  Yes, God was full of redemption and restoration  ......but these stories are the stories of horror.  Whine, whine, whine.  Just then my phone buzzes.  It is a text from a number that is not stored in my contacts.  I open it and it is simply a bible verse.  Matthew 8:23-26.  As you might recall in my previous post this is the verse that says "Oh ye of little faith, why are you so afraid?"  It goes on to say that Jesus told the waves and the winds to BE STILL.  Oh my goodness! God sure does have a way of sending subtle reminders of His grace and mercy. A random person sending words straight from heaven to my phone.  I have since found out who this person is, but they are still in my phone contacts as Random Verse.

OKay, Lisa get it together.  You know who God is!  You know that He is a good God!  You have taken Him with you on many journies and He has never forsaken you, He has never left you.

I call to check on my daughter and son-in-law.  Once again they astound me with their faith.  They have suggested that we have a night of worship.  A night to thank God for the moments we spent with this little baby.  A night to continue to ask for a forever child.  A night to have friends and family gather to honor our God.  Simply, to praise Him in this storm.

We had the night of worship and it was beautiful.  There were about 45 of us gathered at the Dream Center.  45 tired, weary, hurting souls crying out to our King.  Thanking Him for all He has done for us and yet again boldly approaching His throne of Grace and asking.

After this night, my soul found complete rest and peace in this situation.  Hope was restored and expectations were once again set towards a forever child.

It was decided that my daughter and her sweet husband would go through an adoption agency this time.  This meant a price tag of $35.000.00. How in the world are we going to come up with $35,000.00?  Cookies!  Once again, our little in home bakery would be put to good use.  We baked and baked cookies.  We put our story out on social media. We very quickly raised the first $11,000.00 which put them on a matching list.  We would have a few friends, family and strangers donate money to our cause, but the majority (over 95% ) of this $35,000.00 was raised by selling cookies.

Once they were on a matching list it didn't take long until a match was made.  There were a lot of concerns with this match.  She was a prostitute, a drug user and was wishy washy in whether or not she really wanted to put this baby up for adoption.  I think deep down we all had reservations, but we so desperately wanted a baby that we were afraid for them to say no.  Lots of prayers went into this relationship.  Things were getting a little dicier as the birth mother was no longer allowing my daughter to attend doctor appointments.  She was making more and more comments about not giving the baby up.  My daughter and her husband set up a meeting with her and the adoption agency counselor to try to come to an agreement.  It was a Wednesday evening, after church we all met at their house to discuss what they had learned during the meeting and to see what decisions they were going to make.  Should they continue this relationship and just hope and pray that it all works out? Should they terminate this relationship and be put back on the matching list?  What was God telling them?  We left that night without any solid answers.  Still uncertain as to what God had planned.

That night when I got home, I earnestly prayed that if this wasn't the baby for them that God would just send them a baby.  I wanted to pick up the phone and have someone on the other end tell me that there was a baby and would my kids be interested in being it's parents.  Bold and crazy prayer.  A prayer that was earnest.  I had no idea that my youngest daughter prayed this exact same (almost word for word) prayer that Wednesday night.

I am pulling into the church parking lot around 7:45 the following morning.  Still praying that God will just send us a baby.  My phone rings.  It is a sweet, sweet friend.  A friend that I have because I had 500 hours of community service to do that led me to the Dream Center.  Which led me to a warehouse night after night, where this sweet friend would come from time to time.  A friend that would become even closer once I got the job at the church, because she would come see me each Thursday to turn in receipts from the Wednesday night meals she would prepare for the youth of this church.

To be completely candid, my first thought when I saw her number pop up on my screen was "Wow!  She is calling early today.  I am not even in the building yet."  When I answer she is telling me that there is a baby that was born the night before.  A baby that was born in a bathtub  a few hours earlier. A young, sweet girl that knew God's plans for this baby was adoption had reached out and by God's grace was connected to MY friend. WAIT......am I dreaming or is this real life?  She is asking if my kids are interested in being this sweet, sweet, precious baby boy's parents?  I say "YES!  Of course!"  Then I realize, I might better ask them.  I call my daughter and she immediately knows something is up.  I tell her this crazy, almost unbelievable, miraculous story. She is beyond elated and calls her hubby.  20 minutes later this little boy, with the God given name of Eli, is in our arms.  He has been a perfect part of our family for a year and a half now.  He is just meant for our family.  We love the woman that gave birth to  him all on her own.  We love her not only for this precious gift of Eli, but for just who she is.  She and her best friend are our friends.  They are people we cherish.  People we love and that love us.  God's timing is always perfect.  His grace is endless and beutiful.

Redemption and Restoration are so abundant in our story.

The first woman that took the baby back has now married that baby's father and they are doing well.

We of course are so in love with Eli and like I said, he is the perfect fit for our family.
The woman that bravely carried and delivered him all by herself in a bathtub has told us that she made a mistake one night, but by God's redeeming grace, Eli is not a mistake.  She knows her decision was right.  As hard as it is some days, she without a doubt is confident that her decision was God ordained.  I know that God has amazing plans for her.  She is brave and courageous.

Through the sale of over 27,000 cookies for adoption expenses, it was possible for  a little bakery to become so popular that we were able to open  in a storefront just a week before Eli's final adoption.  This bakery, Baked Bliss, founded in a dream while I was at camp is still contributing to stories of redemption and restoration.  These are stories for another day.

Keep praying, He is listening.
Your answers will come.
This world is not always good, but God is.

PENNIES FROM HEAVEN

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,

whenever you face trials of many kinds 

~James 1:2

 As I am nearing the end of my time at camp, I reflect on everything that has happened over the last year and a half.  So many terrifying, horrible, devastating, life altering things have happened; however, just as many wonderful, miraculous, glorious, life changing things have happened.  Sure, I have lost jobs, a husband, all the money I had to my name, I had been arrested and sent to camp and so on.  I also have met amazing women, had God audibly speak to me, had God supernaturally move a wash rag at my request and on and on and on.

I haven't yet told you about the miracle of pennies.

When I was a young girl my maternal grandfather was very ill and spent a lot of time at the M. D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston.  One day when my momma, my sister and I were walking in, my momma found a penny.  She told us girls with great excitement "Oh look, it's a penny!"  We looked at her like she was a bit crazy, even at a young age we knew that pennies held little monetary value.  She went on to explain "Whenever I find a penny, I always remember that it says In God We Trust.  This is like a little wink from heaven.  It makes me remember to trust God in all things.  It reminds me that He is right here with us, no matter what is going on."  She picked the penny up and tucked it in her shoe.  That conversation has stuck with me all these years.  I can picture exactly where we were and the shoes she tucked the penny into.  I have found lots of pennies over the years and the majority of the time I find them in times when I need a wink from heaven, a gentle reminder that God is near and I should trust Him.  My momma tucked hers into her shoe, but I always tuck mine in my bra, right close to my heart.

Throughout the 548 days from that horrible, rotten, no good day in February 2011 to the sweet day in September 2012 when I was released from camp I found exactly 594 pennies. That is more than a penny a day (just in case you couldn't do the math on your own)  How do I know how many I found you might wonder?  Well, it is because on the that dreadful day in February, I found 2 pennies and I knew they were winks from God and I started dropping each penny found in a jar.

On the day in February, I found a penny in the parking lot as I was dragging my broken heart and all my personal belongings from my office to the car.  I then found another penny when I was walking into my best friends house.  Shortly after that day, I was going to Boulder to visit my daughter for the weekend.  It was a 3 hour drive through the mountains and I had lots of time in the car with just me and God.  We talked almost the whole way there.  I was asking Him to give me direction on whether or not to move back to Texas, I was asking for help in finding a job, thanking Him for letting me survive the last week or so, thanking Him for my support system, and b.e.g.g.i.n.g. Him to help me put my life back together.  Just as I had finished a rather long begging session, a penny rolled right out of my air conditioner vent and smack into my cup of tea in the cup holder.   It was so crazy!  The rest of the trip was spent singing His praises at the top of my lungs!  That day I started listening to a Christian radio station.  For the last 5 1/2 years, I almost only listen to Christian music of some form or another.  I listen to other music intermittently, but I always go back to worship music. The day on the sky bridge when I got the call from the detective, I found a penny in the elevator.  Every single time I went to court, I found a penny.  I found pennies everywhere I went. I even found a penny at camp.  I am certain a deputy must have dropped it. I found this on the day I was pulled out of my cell to be informed that my youngest daughter was in the emergency room with internal bleeding.  As a momma, it doesn't matter how old your children are, when something is wrong with them you are supposed to be there for them.  It was devastating and I was grieving.  I was quietly praying in the classroom and with my head still bowed I opened my eyes.  There it was, a shiny penny just under the book shelf.  Praise God my daughter was fine, but it was tragic to be so far away and unable to talk to her for several more hours. That penny was just a subtle reminder that God was near and I needed to trust Him.  I am a rule follower, but I broke a no contraband rule and carried that penny next to my heart the rest of the time I was there.

God winks of all sorts saw me through my 30 days at camp.

I forgot to tell you in my sentencing day post that I was also sentenced to 500 hours of community service.  That was a lot of hours!  On my first visit to the probation office in October I was sent to the community service desk. A desk in the basement surrounded by plants.  The woman manning the desk was soft spoken and non-judgmental. I was handed a pretty large stack of xeroxed copies of places I could go and do community service.  I read through all of them.  I had them spread out from one end of my dining room table to the other.  I was praying about where I should go.  I wanted a place where I felt safe.  A place where not only could I get my hours done, but I could also make a difference. I left all of these options on the dining room table as it was overwhelming to choose.  I prayed about it and the next morning when I went to the table to read them all again, someone had dropped a Wal-Mart receipt, a dollar bill, 2 dimes and 3 pennies on the table.  All 3 pennies were sitting on the brochure for the Lubbock Dream Center and all the other items were on another brochure.  Well, that made my decision easy!  The Dream Center it was!

With a great deal of embarrassment, I called the Dream Center and explained that I had 500 hours of community service to do and I would like to do it with them.  The girl that answered the phone was astonished at the number of hours I had to do, but cheerfully told me that I could come in anytime between the hours of 10:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. Monday - Thursday and they would put me to work.

The next morning I was there just a few minutes before 10:00 a.m. and I was welcomed by the campus pastor and the compassion ministry coordinator.  They were having a big event the next day and I was assigned to cleaning toilets, setting up tables, hanging flags from various countries around the sanctuary that subbed as an event room and prepping things in the kitchen for the next day.  During the course of the day it was mentioned that they didn't know exactly what they were going to do for dessert.  They had several volunteers lined up to fix and serve the actual meal, but no idea what they were going to do for dessert.  The Holy Spirit promptly reminded me that God had shown me that I was going to have a bakery.  I spoke up and said that my girls and I had an in home bakery and we would be happy to bake desserts for them.  I wouldn't charge them if they would count my work time towards my community service hours.  It was a win-win for all of us.  This was the first order for Baked Bliss. The chocolate cakes we made that day were a hit and that entire day I worked the event.  I got to sit in as the event was going on.  It was a luncheon about missions.  That explains the flags I hung the day before.  I was in such awe of the speakers.  They told stories of giving up so much to serve God throughout the nations.  I quickly realized my little time away from my family at camp sharing about Jesus while I was there, was nothing in comparison to the things these people were doing.  On this day, my heart grew for the nations and the missionaries that serve the nations. For the first time in my life I really understood what being a missionary was about.  The sacrifices, the hardships, the glory, the honor.  All of it.  

I went to the Dream Center the next morning just as the doors were opened and I was again given toilet cleaning duties and additional chores in the clothing closet, then the food pantry.  The people of the Dream Center are kind and encouraging.  I am grateful this is where I chose.  Thank you God for pointing me to the Dream Center.

After a couple of weeks working from 10:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Monday through Thursday I have gotten to know the staff and they have gotten to know a little about me and my story.  The Compassion Ministry Coordinator has sat with me during lunch for several days.  She and I have talked about my previous career.  She asks if I have any experience with spreadsheets and various other administrative things.  I tell her yes, I do! The next day she relieves me of my toilet cleaning duties and gives me tasks in her office.

I am treating my community service as a job.  My parents and I have discussed the enormous amount of hours I need to complete and they have given me the opportunity to focus on those hours, do baking when I can and they will help me with my bills.  Once my community service hours are done, then I can look for a job.

From October to February, I work all day Monday - Thursday every single week. In November there is a Turkey Giveaway at the Dream Center.  There is a television station that is going to run a story about the Dream Center and the giveaway and they will be filming from 5:00 a.m. - 7:30 a.m.  My supervisor at the DC (Dream Center) asks if she could purchase some cinnamon rolls from my little home bakery.  Of course I said yes.  My cinnamon rolls are huge and have a secret ingredient of mashed potatoes.  They always receive rave reviews.  I am delighted to do this for the DC and to make a little extra money.  We offer the reporter a cinnamon roll during a break and she loves them.  In the next segment she highlights the cinnamon rolls and gives Baked Bliss a shout out.  The next week my Facebook is flooded with requests for treats for Thanksgiving.  It was amazing!  On this same morning I meet the fundraising coordinator for the DC.  She and I visit and she tells me about a project called Resurrection Funky Junk that raises money for the DC.  She explains that they have a warehouse where they repurpose furniture, jewelry, clothing and all sorts of things.  She invites me to help.  I am excited and jump at the opportunity.

My evenings are filled with painting at this warehouse.  I become good friends with the ladies that come to paint each night.  These ladies have since become my dear friends. In fact we meet each week for bible study, we travel together, we do life together.  I discover that Resurrection Funky Junk also has vendors that sell their goods at an annual event.  I am invited to sell cookies at the event.  Once again, my business is given a little boost.

My little bakery is doing okay, but it is not enough to pay all my bills.  My parents are having to supplement my income each and every month.  I set a date in my mind where I am not going to ask them for any more money.  I don't have a job and I still have a bit of community service hours to finish, but I am trusting in the Lord to provide.  It is the week before my 'I'm not asking again' deadline and I am significantly short on funds to cover all of my bills.  I had bills that I created when I was making a very large salary and they didn't just go away because I no longer had that job.  I am at the warehouse painting and I ask the ladies to pray for provision.  My dear friend suggests that I create a cookie card.  This card will be the cost of 10 dozen cookies, but the buyer will actually receive 12 dozen cookies.  It is a brilliant idea.  I have 1 week to sell enough of these cards to cover my expenses and not have to ask my parents for money.  We put the word out.  Within 4 days, I have sold enough cards to not only cover my current month's expenses, but to cover the following month as well.  I am still in awe of God's provisions.

February rolls around and I have completed my 500 hours.  The DC had become like a second home to me and I was truly going to miss being there each day.  On my very last day, my supervisor asks me if I would be interested in working for the DC part time.  My heart skipped at least 10 beats! Yes! Yes! I would be honored!  The job will be for 20 hours per week and will pay just over minimum wage.  I am ecstatic!  I have never been so happy to be offered a job.  God was sending pennies from heaven in the form of a job and a paycheck!

I work from February to July at the DC.  I am putting in my 20 hours, volunteering additional hours and baking as much as possible.  It is enough to cover my bills.  It is not giving me the lifestyle I had previously, but it is giving me freedom and integrity.

The DC is owned by a local church.  In July I am told of a full time job opening at the church.  It is in the finance department.  God has given me such a gift when it comes to accounting.  I love working with numbers.  I don't see any way possible that I could ever get this job considering everything that had happened in my life.  My supervisor encourages me to go for it.  She speaks to the leadership at the church and tells them a bit of my story.  I am asked to come in for an interview and to elaborate on exactly what had happened.  I am a mess.  I am so nervous.  At this point, it was still difficult to tell my story.  There was so much shame attached to it.  So much failure and loss.  I nervously sat on the big couch in the Executive Pastor's office as he and 4 others asked me questions about my skills and about my past.  I told them everything.  I cried a lot.  First time I had ever cried in a job interview.  Surely, that was not a good thing to do.  They were all attentive and compassionate.  They knew of God's mercy, grace and restoration and even though the enemy had filled me with shame and anxiety, they comforted me and encouraged me.  They asked for bits and pieces of the discovery, they called my ex-boss and spoke to him about every detail he had read, heard, seen during my ordeal. Verified that I had been open and honest with him about my legal woes.  Verified my story on why I no longer had a job there.  It took several weeks for a decision to be made.  There were others who needed to know my story and give their opinions.  Prayers needed to be said and decernment was needed.  Glory be to God from whom all blessings flow!  i got the job.  What a blessing!

Pennies are tangible God winks.
Praise God for divine appointments!
God is without a doubt our provider!

THE BEAUTY AND GRACE OF LETTER WRITING

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up,

 just as you are doing.  

1 Thessalonians 5:11

I will leave you for today with some of the sweet letters from my friends. I have asked permission to share these, because they are so powerful and they need to be shared.  Letters that show what God can do, if you just take Him with you no matter where you go.

UNLIKELY FRIENDS PART 2

Therefore confess your sins to each other

and pray for each other so that

you may be healed.  The prayer of 

a righteous person is

powerful and effective.

~James 5:16

The longer I am at camp the more in love I fall with the women I am sharing my days with.  They each have a story.  Each story is unique, yet so many similarities are sprinkled throughout each story.  Most stories are heartbreaking in the beginning, but almost all stories (not all, but almost) have twisted and turned and found its way to happy. Redemption is a beautiful thing.  It is glorious when God allows you to witness these things.  In reality, we can all witness miracles each day.  The tricky part is looking for these miracles.  My time at camp taught me how to expect the unexpected, how to recognize God's amazing works, how to be still and marvel at just how mighty our God is.

When I reflect on the 30 days I spent at camp, my heart genuinely feels happy.  I know that sounds crazy, but it is true. I missed my family so much while I was away.  Away without out visitors, because everyone that loved me on the outside was in another state 14 hours away. However, the friends I made loved me, supported me and challenged me each day.  The friendships I found there are life long, they are true, they are beautiful and they are unlikely.  I would have never associated with these amazing, strong, broken, redeemed, lost and then found, crazy at times, full of love, forgiven women if it had not been for camp.  I am grateful to know them and to know their stories.  I truly feel blessed.

When I first met my campmates, the vast majority of them were not believers.  Colorado is a state with a large atheist culture.  Such a gorgeous state full of God's master pieces and so many non-believers.  I would actually go so far as to call them refusers to believers.  I can assure you that when I left camp, every woman that was there knew who God was and knew how to have Him as their Savior and knew of how many good things He had done for me.  They would chuckle about the DA getting a new job, I wasn't the only one happy about that one.  Funny side note, he has since gone back to being a DA in that town.  God is just good that way.  They would ask question after question about when God spoke to me.  We talked about their past and their future.  We talked about being royalty, as daughter's of the most high King!  We talked about new beginnings, redemption, God's plans for all of us! It was so fun to watch the light go on and them come to know my sweet Father in heaven. Not everyone had accepted Him as their Savior when I left, but the seed had been planted.

Camper B1 was a beautiful woman.  She could have easily been a model, tall and slender, long blonde hair, poise.  She had so much to offer, yet saw so little value in herself.  She had been in and out of prison.  Had her #6 baby while in prison.  Had been in trouble for drugs and all sorts of crimes that are associated with that.  She has 6 children and at the time, custody of none of them.  She loved her  children with everything she had, but on her own was never able to stay clean and sober long enough to fight for them. It wasn't long after we became friends that she prayed the sinners pray and asked Jesus into her heart. You could instantly see a change in her.  One night she was supposed to be able to call her children.  When her ex-husband answered the phone he refused to let her speak to the kids.  For whatever reason (the enemy), he was being unusually cruel and verbally abusive to her.  She became angry and frustrated and started pounding her fist on the phone and yelling quite loudly.  When you are at camp, this type of behavior is not at all acceptable and lands all campers locked down in their cells for a period of time.  The deputy came to camper B1's cell and asked her to come and talk with him at the table in the middle of the common area.  She did as he asked.  This deputy was very kind and truly had everyone's best interest at heart.  He asked her if he could do anything to make her night better.  I think he was expecting her to say an ice cream or a soda would be nice, as she did not have any family members that put money on her books for such treats.  She responded to his question by asking if he would let me out of my cell as well, so we could pray.  She told him she knew her behavior was unacceptable and that she was sorry.  All she wanted to do was pray with her friend.  When the deputy came to my door, he told me that he has never had a request like this before and didn't really know how the rules worked with this request. He stated "I'm not sure what the rules are for letting another inmate out during lock down, but this is the best answer I have ever had to a question of what can I do to make it better. Lisa, I don't know what it is about you, but you have changed the atmosphere in this pod and I am not going to do anything to stand in the way of positive change. So, go out and pray with this girl."  I was quick to tell him "It isn't me, it's who I brought with me.  I told him that God and I had a deal and we were doing this thing together."  He replied "I haven't ever seen anyone that could show me God, but you have.  Seeing things goes a lot further than hearing them."  I was so touched by his words.  So glad that God and I had made a deal one night with me sprawled out on my bathroom floor.  So thankful that with His strength I was able to stand strong.  In my weakness, He was strong.  I later found out that the deputy is now a believer. He was born again and I believe he will carry Jesus with him up and down those halls.  Camper B1 did have to do some time in prison again.  She is still fighting for custody of her children.  She now walks with her head a little higher and her heart a little lighter.  She knows full well God's good and perfect plans for her life.  We often prayed that the path He has for her would be so well lit that she couldn't miss it. That if she got off His path, she would know, as the darkness would overshadow the light.  If she stepped off into darkness, we prayed that His beacons would point her back to her path.  The path He designed specifically for her. Camper B1 also taught me about truly loving things.  She always said that we tend to say we love things too easily. We love cake, we love this movie or that shirt, we love things that can never love us back.  She said when she really loves something, such as her family or friends, she says she love loves them.  It's just a way to put true meaning into the words I love you!  My family has said LoveLove  (or sometimes lovelovelove) from the moment I shared this with them.  It's a nice reminder of truly loving each other.

Camper S had a long and very ugly past to be such a young girl.  As with so many others,  drugs and crimes related to drugs had entangled her at a very young age.  Her latest stay at camp was because she was in a hotel room that was raided and she and her boyfriend decided to hide their drugs in their infant's diaper.  Yes, her infant was in a hotel room where drug deals and drug use were going down.  Her best idea when the cops came into the room was to hide unwrapped drugs in her infant's diaper.  Drugs that would seep into his system and cause him to be hospitalized.  Drugs that would cause this poor little innocent child to go through withdrawal.  Her remorse was great, but a little late.  But...... forgiveness and redemption were hers for the taking.  She was able to work through so many things.  She too found Jesus at camp.  She had many slips and falls over the next several years, but I am so proud to report that she has been clean and sober for more than 2 years!!  She has reconnected with her mother, has her son back and has a little girl.  Her life is still full of peaks and valleys, but she knows Jesus and she knows how to cope by running to Him instead of drugs.

I can tell you story after story of these friends I have made.  Most stories are of new life and restoration.  There are a few tragic stories, stories that break my heart.  Stories that have caused me to mourn at such a deep level, only God can give me peace. All the stories are from unlikely friends.  Friends that I talk to on a weekly basis.  Friends that are in my prayers every single day.  Friends that Jesus and I met at camp.  Friends that I love with all my heart. Friends that changed my life.


Be thankful in all things!
God is always up to something good!
He can turn ugly into radiant!
It is fun to be royalty.
Lovelove the things that matter.


  

UNLIKELY FRIENDS PART 1

A new command I give you;
Love one another. 
As I have loved you, so you must 
love one another.
~John 13:34

 I am knocking days off my stay at camp so quickly!  A young girl created a calendar for me of my original 50 days and I would mark each day off as it happened and on the back end I was marking good time days off......the space between each day and release date is closing in! I have been made a trustee and now I get double the good time days for my classes and I am given 10 bonus good time days.  My stay at camp will be shortened from 50 days to 30.  God is just so very good, all the time.  I was originally afraid I might not be able to be a trustee because I had back surgery in March, just 5 short months prior to being sent to camp.  I didn't know if the camp doctor was going to sign off on my trustee release because the duties required of a trustee involved a lot of lifting, climbing stairs and such.  Miraculously, he signed off and now I was clicking days off faster than ever. Not only did being a trustee get me closer to release, but it gave me a new uniform. A blue scrub top and striped scrub style bottoms.  I no longer had to completely undress to go to the bathroom and I got fresh clothes everyday.  It really is the simple things.  

I am more than half way done with my time and I have gotten to know and love every single lady there.  People I would have never met under ordinary circumstances have become true friends.  I still talk to them often via phone and facebook.  Our friendships are unique and real and I am grateful to have gotten to know these beautiful women.

The first person I met, the wild eyed girl, Camper E, was my roomie and we had hours and hours locked in our cell together.  She was quite a character.  The day I met her she informed me that she had been in and out of jail 17 times that year (it was August).  She had been to prison previously for drug related charges. This current season included theft and drug related issues.  She was not
 in good health physically and had a string of mental problems.  As long as she was medicated, she did well.  I had learned she and her parents had been on the outs for most of her life.  She was a victim of severe childhood abuse.  She had a son that was 15, who would end up in juvie after I went home.  My heart really hurt for her.  Her stories were heartbreaking.  Night after night she would try to call her mother and night after night her mother would deny her phone calls. Her health would become so bad that the DA would actually offer her a plea deal.  If the original charges stuck, the system would be responsible for her medical care and it could be possible that the original sentence could literally mean life in prison for her.  I have to say, as much as I learned to care for Camper E, I am not certain she would ever be fully successful in the outside world.  She is out of prison now and doing 'okay'.  I know God loves her and that she knows who He is.  She is forever in my prayers and as odd as it may seem, I love her.

Camper K1 was the first person that I talked to when I got to the pod.  She was my youngest daughter's age.  She had been raised in an orphanage in Texas and had gotten into trouble shortly after she was released from the orphanage and was on probation. She had come to Colorado with a friend and they were living on the streets.  In the resort areas of Colorado there is very little tolerance for the homeless.  Camper K1 had been caught sleeping behind Walmart and when they ran her information, it was discovered that she did not have permission to leave the state of Texas.  She was in the Colorado jail awaiting extradition back to Texas.  I would get to know her over about 10 days before she was sent back to Texas.  I would find her in the system after my release and keep in touch with her via letters while she was sitting out her probation revocation.  90 days after I got home, I received a letter from her asking if she could come and stay with me after her release.  Oh my goodness, how in the world am I supposed to answer that?  This poor girl that has never had a family,  A girl that has told me that I am the only person that has ever written her a letter.  A girl that is the same age as my youngest daughter.  A girl that has no one to turn to, but a woman she knew for 10 days face to face and another 90 days via letter correspondence.  I am praying about my answer and one day I receive a call from the Chaplin at the state jail.  The Chaplin is telling me that unless Camper K1 has a home plan, she cannot be released.  The state jail will buy her a one way bus ticket to Lubbock if I agree.  My head is spinning and my heart is aching for Camper K1.  I talk to my family and a few others and we all come up with a plan.  We will get her a hotel for 30 days.  During this 30 days she will try to  get her license, her social security card and a job.  While she was in state jail, she had earned her GED. They had taken her picture in a cap and gown and she treasured that picture.  For the first time in her life, she was proud of herself.  She is confident that she will be able to get a job.  She applies at several places, but no luck. Her 30 days in the hotel are nearing an end.  I have told her that after the 30 days she will need to stay at the Salvation Army.  I tell her all she has to do is sleep there, during the day she will be with my family, she will have meals with us, but at night she will need to go to the Salvation Army.  She is not thrilled, but completely understands.  The last night in her hotel, she writes me a sweet note on Facebook.  Just thanking me for everything and letting me know how much she appreciates all that my family has done for her.  Okay, here is the good part!  A woman I worked with at the hospital liked the post and made a sweet comment to me.  A lady in Montana is friends with my friend from the hospital and sees the post.  She has to take a double take. She private messages me and tells me that she thinks the girl that I have been helping is her niece.  She looks like her brother and shares her last name.  Oh. My. Goodness.  I connect them, sure enough Camper K1 is her niece.  She sends her a bus ticket and the next day she is off to Montana.  She has now connected with her mother, her father and her sister.  If nothing else, this chain of events was worth my time at camp!  Divine appointments are a gift from God.  What are the odds, 2 girls from Texas meet in a Colorado jail and nothing will ever be the same!  I took God with me and He made miracles happen.  

Camper K1 arrived just a few weeks before my daughter's wedding. While here my family embraced her just as if she were family.  She is holding my mom's hand in the picture.

Divine appointments change the world.
Love one another as God has loved you
Unlikely friends are true friends

 

CRAZY DREAMS AND GOD THINGS

Come to me, all you who are weary 

and burdened, and I will

give you rest.

~Matthew 11:28

The first night in the pod I met most of the ladies.  To my surprise, they were all so helpful and kind.  Very quickly they showed me the ropes, how to order commissary, how to request a razor and other shower supplies, taught me a card game, told me about classes and 'good time' days, shared tid bits of their own stories.  I was no longer scared of these women, I was connected to them and I felt safe. 

On this first night, I did not have a roommate.  This was a blessing.  I was able to just go to bed, pray and fall asleep.  I had ordered phone minutes and by the next afternoon, I should be able to talk to my family.   

At 4:00 a.m. our doors pop open and we are expected to file out into the common area and have breakfast.  4:00 a.m.?  What?  Who is hungry at 4:00 a.m.? Just another camp rule that really makes little sense to me.  I very quickly learn that our days will be divided by meal times, activity time, lock down times and then repeat.  Here was a typical day:

4:00 a.m.- 4:45 a.m.  Breakfast and then back to cell

5:00 a.m. - 5:45 a.m. Clean, sweep, mop,  gather laundry, etc. for our own cells

5:46 a.m. - 9:00 a.m.  Lock down.......this is when you are locked in your cell and cannot come out

9:00 a.m. -11:00 a.m. Activity time - you are allowed in and out of your cell, you can watch tv, play games, attend classes, exercise in a tiny little caged in outdoor slab,make phone calls, pretty much just whatever you wanted to do within the confines of the common area and the little slab outside.

11:00 a.m. - 12:20 p.m. Lock down

12:20 p.m. - 1:05 p.m. Lunch

1:05 p.m. - 2:00 p.m. Lock down

2:00 p.m. - 3:45 p.m. Activity time

3:45 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. Lock down

4:00 p.m. - 4:45 p.m. Supper

4:45 p.m, - 7:00 p.m. Lock down -- mail comes around 6:00 p.m. each evening.  This is either a very happy time or a very depressing time.

7:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m. Activity time

** if you are a trustee, you have serving and cleaning duties before and after each meal and after each activity time.

I have been camping for a week or so now, things are becoming routine. My roommate is the wild eyed girl. We are getting along just fine.  I am truly getting to know the other ladies.  I have learned that if you attend classes or 'church' each 7 classes/services you attend will equal what they call a good time day.  Each good time day is 1 less day you have to stay at camp.  I am taking every class.....life after incarceration, parenting (my kids are grown!), AA (rarely ever drink), NA (NEVER did drugs) and attend every 'church' service they have.......Non-Denominational, Catholic, Baptist, Latter Day Saints, Jehovah Witness. They had it, I attended it!  Woooooohoooooo.......

I have started receiving mail, each day I anticipate the wheels of the mail cart and wait to hear my name called out and my door to pop open. Some days cards and letters come without envelopes (colored envelopes were not allowed), some days my cards are photo copied and I don't get the actual card (glitter, stickers and such are not allowed.  All of these will be in with my personal belongings when I am released.),  the stamps are always torn off, my mail is always pre-read by a clerk or deputy (same with my out going mail).  I don't care how I get it, mail from home is always a good thing!  It is a good thing until I receive a Dear John letter from the hospital that had so boldly supported me throughout this whole ordeal.  

During the reorganization at the hospital, very strict rules were put into place regarding time off.  No one was allowed time off unless it was an emergency.  Unfortunately, my time at camp was going to be too long off.  Being at camp also made a felony seem a little more real to the powers that be and the corporate offices in California had decided that this was all just too much.  My Dear John letter was cold, legalistic and in form letter style.  My heart was broken.  I tried to reach out to my boss when the doors opened for activity time and I was allowed to use the phone, no answer.  I tried over and over and over and eventually I was just sent to voicemail before it even rang.  I would later find out that he just couldn't do it. It was too hard.  He had such a great heart and had fought so hard for me.  In the end, corporate minds were made up and there was no more opportunity to fight.  

 Panic sets in immediately!  What am I going to do?  How am I going to survive? No one is going to hire a felon!  Even if I tried to explain everything, no one is going to take the time to listen!  My world is really ending this time!  Why oh why did I take this deal?  What am I going to tell my family?  Everyone is going to be so disappointed in me! The enemy's voice was deafening!  All I could hear were his lies.  These lies from a forked tongue were on repeat in my brain.  I didn't buy an ice cream with my coupons (which was a Friday night treat, that had become a highlight of my weeks), I didn't want to do anything but run back to my cell. I didn't want to call home.  I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry.  To be completely transparent, for a fleeting moment I thought death would be the only thing to save me or my family.  (I have never ever told anyone this.....not even my family)  I am not kidding when I say the enemy was having a field day with my thoughts. Retrospectively, this was so very minor in comparison to everything else I had been through.  But......the enemy had found a way to get into my thoughts, if only for a moment.

I did drag myself out of my bunk after about an hour and make myself go over to the payphone and one by one call each member of my family.  I called everyone in my family every night during the 7:00 activity time, if I didn't call they would all be so worried..  My parents were my first call.  My momma and daddy are both encouraging me.  "We will get through this." my daddy says.  "God hasn't brought you this far to leave you now." are my momma's first words.  My daddy quickly agrees with her and says "Honey, we have been blessed. We will help you until you find a job."  My mom echos his thoughts.  I am starting to feel better.  I call my oldest daughter and she is just as encouraging.  I call my youngest daughter and she agrees with everyone else.  So, why was I dreading these calls?  I have the best family ever!  I am so dearly loved!  Thank you God for my family!  Thank you God for letting their words remind me of Who you are!  Forgive me Lord for letting myself get so far down the road of hopelessness!  You have spoken audibly to me and told me to trust You!  How could I forget this?  I will be still and let you lead me.  Let YOU work. 

I play a few card games and visit with my camp mates until time for lock down.  My spirits are lifted and even though my heart is still sad, I know God is with me. 

It is time for lock down and I get ready for bed. I am still  disappointed and anxious about what my future holds, but I do have hope and I do trust God.  My prayers that night are fervent and long, so long that I actually fall asleep while praying. During the night my dreams are vivid and from the Lord.  I awake with excitement and a thousand things running through my head.  During the night the Lord had shown me through my dreams a bakery.  A bakery called Baked Bliss. This was to be a source of income for me.  My grandfather had been a baker, but I had never thought of baking for a living. I enjoyed baking, but it was not something that I aspired to do for money.  Did I really have the skills to pull this off?  How would all of this work? So many questions, but mostly confident that this was to be.  It was still way early in the morning hours, earlier than 4:00 a.m. breakfast, but as I did not have a clock in my cell I didn't know exactly how early.  Okay God, was this really You?  I think it was You!  How can I be sure?  It was You, right? As I am carrying on this conversation a washrag slips from the rail beside my bed to the ground.  That's odd. I get an idea, Lord, if this is really from you........will You please some how put that washrag back up on the railing?  I know that fleecing is odd and not a new testament request and it shows lack of faith in my ability to hear God and frowned upon by many, but I needed to know. My dream was crazy and out of nowhere, so I thought it was God......but the enemy had played so many tricks with my mind the afternoon before. Right or wrong, I asked.  My eyes are closed and I am just asking God to supernaturally move a washrag for me....no big deal.  I open my eyes and IT IS IN FACT ON THE RAILING AND EVER SO SLIGHTLY SWAYING BACK AND FORTH. Okay then, how do I start a bakery?

It was Saturday, so I could call my girls and family during the first morning activity time, I didn't have to wait for everyone to get off  work.  My entire family was at my parent's house for the weekend.  I called and had my momma put me on speaker phone. I tell everyone about my dream and the washrag.  There is much excitement from the other end of the phone line.  Oh thank You Jesus for phone minutes and Saturday mornings where my whole family is gathered in one spot.  Everyone is on board.  This crazy out of nowhere, straight from our good and sovereign Father plan is just what we all needed.  

The Holy Spirit ever so gently reminds me that when I am still and trust in the Lord all things are possible. In fact things bigger and better than I can think or imagine are possible.  

If you can't read this, it says: Planning for our future and was posted by my daughter Aug30, 2012

What seems so minor now,  was one of my worst days, but not the worst.
 God always, always.....always shows up.
Why is it so hard to be still?