Fear, you are not welcome here!

Consider how the wildflowers grow: They don’t labor or spin thread. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was adorned like one of these.

Luke 12:27

Hello friends.  I always get a little nostalgic about this little blog in October.  October of 2016 is when I finally got the nerve to write my story out for literally the world to see.  People I know, people I don't know, people that love me, people that judge me.....literally anyone can stumble across and read this little blog.  You know what, I am thankful for that.  Grateful for the people that love me and for the haters.  It's all good.  You now why?  Because, this blog is all about God's grace, favor and mercy.  All about how God takes things that are not pretty and makes them beautiful.  My story is not a fairytale, but it is a redemption tale.  A tale of hard truths, a few lies, scandal, knock you back to your knees setbacks and most importantly just how good our God is in every season.

How is it already October?  I can hardly believe we are in the final quarter of 2019!  This year has been filled with joy and sadness, prosperity and lack, births and deaths, saying hello and saying goodbye, new normals and old habits, adventure and downtime, health and sickness, faith and fear, victories and regrets.

Through all things-the good, the bad and the ugly, God has always been  right beside me even on the days I didn't realize it.   Some days His presence was tangible and so easy to receive and some days He felt a million miles away, out of reach and completely invisible.  He was there.  He was listening. He was caring.  He was straightening crooked paths.  He was fighting battles I had no idea were even going on.  He was protecting.  He was providing. He was.....

A little over a year ago I thought about ending my life.  Not only did I think about it, I had a plan.  A plan that probably would have worked.  A plan that seemed so reasonable in the moment.  A plan inspired by the devil and intercepted by God.  In the last year, I have twice (2 more than I every dreamed) thought about ending my life.  Those were the days the enemy's voice was louder than anything else in my world.  He is a liar and manipulative.  He twists the truths and knows your weakness.  I despise him.

There were many days that I saw God's love, faithfulness and the hope He so freely offers. Joyous days brought much relief to a mind and heart completely overcome with stress, anxiety and true deep sadness.  God always speaks life and never forsakes. He loves without abandon and will leave the 99 to chase after you, the 1.  He is strength in our weakness.  I love Him.

This morning I had an appointment with my probation officer.

My appointment is set for 7:30, but I arrive at 6:45, not because I am punctual, but  because my last appointment ended with words that shook me to my core.  I hike up the steep stairs to the probation office and walk over to the pay window.  As I am making my payment, I notice a guy in uniform standing in front of the sign in desk.  This is new, I've never seen anyone in uniform here before.  I check in and I am told I can go to the 2nd floor and wait for my officer.  As I climb the stairs my eyes are cast down noticing the little non-slip strips on each step need to be cleaned. I count the steps as I ascend. One, two *my that step is dirty*, three, four *seriously, why are these steps so filthy*, five, six, seven, eight *I am certain someone could do community service here and clean these steps* then  I reach the second floor and round the corner to wait on the church pew benches for my turn.  I notice the room is full of uniformed officers, lots of them.  What the heck?  My tummy tightens and my heartbeat quickens.  Deep down, I know they are there for me.  After all, my last visit 30 days before ended with words that were not at all what I wanted to hear.  I have been consumed with fear for the last 43,200 minutes dreading coming to the probation office today.  I have not mentioned these fears to anyone.  I just hold them in and pray.  My family has enough to worry about.  I did briefly mention in a group text to my family what I was told at the last visit, but haven't said another word about it.  I am sitting on the pew looking up at the screen with my name and my officer's name flashing my arrival and appointment times.  My mind is whirling and I just want all this to be over!  My officer comes to the edge of his office doorway, leans his head out and calls my name.  I look at him, I can see in his eyes this is not going to be a good day!  He motions for me to come to his office. As soon as I am on my feet all of the uniformed officers file in behind and around me and somewhat crowd me making me move in the direction of the office. I finally approach the door and the sinister Joker poster hanging on the wall that always catches me just a little of guard is laughing at me.  Seriously, I can hear the laughs coming from the oversized paper with Heath Ledger's dark and demented painted face!  As soon as I can gather my thoughts and silence the laughing an officer steps out from behind the door.  He is towering over me and without any words swiftly shackles my wrists.  I am whisked to the elevator and taken away with no chance to call my family or yell for help.  No words are spoken to me and I speak no words to anyone else.  This is it, but how it happened I still can't make sense of.  Why this happened, no idea.

That is the scenario that played over and over in my head day after day.  I dreamed of these horrible things.  Dreams so real that I believed them.  Dreams that robbed me of sleep.  Dreams that overwhelmed me.  Dreams that I allowed to create unrealistic fear in me.

That's all they were.....dreams and fear planted from an enemy.  

In reality, I did have an appointment with my probation officer.  In reality, he is such a kind man and frankly I usually don't mind going and I truly enjoy talking to him. I have had a total of 7 probation officers during this 7 years of probation and I have liked each and everyone of them and believe they have all truly liked me.  Most of our visits are answering the routine questions that have to be asked each time......have you done or been in contact with any drugs.....no, have you been in possession of a firearm......no, have you been arrested since your last visit.....no, and then we just visit.  It doesn't feel invasive in any manner.  Most of our chats are about my grand-babes or cookies.   However, going to that office just drudges up old memories of all that has happened.  I hate that I let this get to me. It stirs emotions that I just simply wish would go away.  Some might say I need freedom from this, but I actually believe I already have that.  I have truly from the bottom of my heart and soul forgiven all involved. I know the truths and the lies of the whole season.  I own the truths and rebuke the lies. I have broken soul ties that were deep and painful to break.  I am free, but there is still a sadness that lingers in the air when I must rehash any of it and even though our visits are light and most often not even about what happened, the fact that I have to go just sucks.

Why do we let ourselves get all tangled up in the lies and affairs of the enemy again and again?  Why can we hear the audible voice of God, see true miracles, receive supernatural provision, fall into the arms of grace and know without a doubt God is real and on our side.... then in an instant let a flaming arrow from the enemy pierce our soul, our very being so deep that we allow ourselves to be engulfed in the flames and despair of an enemy and question the things we knew to be so true just moments before.  I don't know, I wish I did. I do know I am thankful for a God that is sovereign and secure and steadfast and loves us even when we forget that He is and will always be the Great I Am!

So, back to my visit with my probation officer today.  As I said earlier, I don't mind going to see him, however, last month he did tell me some things that scared me. Y'all, I am on the last 10 months of an 8 year probation sentence.  I completed all tasks mandated in my sentencing within the first 5 months, I have never missed a payment for my fees, I have never missed an appointment, until last month for the last 3 years I have only had to report 4 times per year in person and the other months I sent in a simple form.  After my visit last month, I have let fear overcome my nights and bits and pieces of my day.  A few simple words from my officer have sent me into anxiety levels that are uncomfortable, all consuming at moments in the wee hours of the morning.  My tummy hurts, my teeth clench.  W.H.Y????? Why do I allow fear to do this to me.  I know the Great I Am.  I not only know Him, He has done miraculous things for me!  He has rescued me and given me mercy more times than I could ever count.

Last night I told my Community Group my story.  I love sharing my story, so many good things and God winks!  People need to know my story!  God is good!!!  Last night, I slept very little.  I was irrationally  consumed with fear!  I made up scenarios in my head about my visit this morning.  I was convinced the enemy was going to come after me for sharing my story.  I had more faith in my crazy thoughts than I did in my God! The God I had just told a room full of people was always on our side.  The God that has proven to me over and over that He is mighty.  The God I love and loves me so deeply.  The God that has the power to move mountains. The God that created the universe.  The God that is omnipresent.  The God that carries the power of everything in His name alone. I prayed earnestly for peace, for protection, for all the things.  I know God is good and faithful, but I was still so full of fear.  I went to my 7:30 appointment at 6:45 because I was so worried about things.  When I walked into my officer's office he kindly greeted me, asked me all the usual questions, said it was time for my annual drug screen and asked if there was anything I needed from him.  I burst into tears full of joy that none of the crazy scenarios I had created in my mind and had worried about for literally 30 days were just that.....crazy.  He looked at me like I was, well, crazy.  He asked if I was ok.  I said yes and explained to him all the things I had spent so much time worrying about. He told me to breathe and to just keep doing what I am doing. He told me to stop worrying. He reminded me that I just need to send those things to the dead dry places to never prosper.

I felt so much relief after 5 minutes in his office.  5 minutes!  I had spent at least 100 hours of the last 720 hours worrying about nonsense.  Worrying about things that I have no control over.  Things that the lies of the enemy made bigger in my mind than they really are.  Worrying about things that God has already fought battles for.  Worrying for no reason.

Fear, you are not welcome here. Today is a new day and I will do better at remembering God's favor surrounds me.  I will walk in the knowledge that His favor will literally cause people to go out of their way to bless me....even my enemies will bless me. Today, I will put my faith and trust in the Lord and not this world.  Today, I will rejoice.  Today, I will repent for letting fear get the best of me. Today, I will accept the forgiveness He gives me.  Today, I will be a better person.  Tonight.....I will rest.

Clicks, Cakes and Pinky Promises

I have often tried to force a blog post.  I have the desire to write something or I have an idea of something to write about, but it just never works out unless I feel the nudging of God.  Once that happens, it seems as though the words just flow.  It's almost like a download and then my fingers find the right keys to hit and it becomes a story.  Today, I have felt that nudging and it still seems a little jumbled in my head as I have been thinking about this post for a couple of months, but I know today is the day to write.


Not quite a year ago I was sitting in the deli at United, a local supermarket, about to have a meeting with 2 of my employees when my phone rang with Daddy flashing on my screen's caller id.  My heart immediately started to race.  My daddy is really good about texting me every single day, but he rarely calls.  I answered the phone with a catch in my throat and as expected it wasn't just a call to chat.  He was calling to tell me my momma was in a helicopter on her way to Lubbock.  She had suffered a brain bleed which was later diagnosed as a hemorrhagic stroke.  In the months leading up to this event, we had noticed my momma was having a little trouble with her short term memory.  We had thought it could possibly be related to seizure medication she was taking.  However, after the stroke things have gotten progressively worse.  Worse from day 1 post brain bleed, but even in the last couple of months things have drastically taken a turn for the worse.

My momma and daddy have had a deer lease for as many years as I can remember and until this last year they have spent every weekend Friday to Sunday on the lease.  Hunting together, visiting with long-time friends, riding ATVs, cookouts for breakfast, lunch and dinner in the cook tent, relaxing and just enjoying life.  In fact, the term 'deer lease' is so frequently used in their household that when my son-in-law first came into the family he asked one day "Who are the Deerly's and why have I never met them?  They sound so fun!"  We all laughed until we cried and some of laughed until we peed our pants!  

This year hasn't been quite the same, my momma isn't able to go with my daddy most weekends.  While this is sad, it also gives me a chance to spend some quality time with my momma while my daddy and brother-in-law go to the "Deerly's".  In late November my momma came to stay with us for the first time this deer season.  Our plan was for us (me, my sister and our daughters) to take my momma to do a little Christmas shopping for the Great-Grand-Babies.  When it came time for us to load up and go, my momma just wasn't up to it.  She was tired and confused and her body was full of aches and pains.  We decided that momma and I would just hang out and everyone else could still go shopping.

Do you watch FRIENDS?  I do.....a little too much.  Seriously, I watch it every night.  I have watched all the seasons from beginning to end more times than I can count.  ANYWAY.......there is an episode where Phoebe is dating an enthusiastic guy named Parker (Alec Baldwin). Parker has an unrelenting cheery disposition.  Parker is a lot to take, but one of the things I like about this character is he is constantly holding his hands up to his face like he is holding a camera and then pretends to take a picture.  With each picture he says "Click".  He explains that he just wants to remember the moment with a mental picture.

The night my momma and I hung back from shopping we had so much fun.  We were driving down the street and chatting about Christmas lights and such.  We got our giggle boxes turned over when we started singing The 12 Days of Christmas.  When I was younger we heard a woman singing this song.  Most of the song she would sing normal, but when she would sing "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree"  she would really exaggerate her RRRRR's and her TTTHHHH's. I wish so badly I could type how it sounded.  On the first day of CHRRREESTMAS my THRROOO love gave to me a PARRRRRTHREEEGE in a pear THHHRRREEEE.  I guess you can kind of get my drift.  We sang that line over and over and the more we sang the louder and more exaggerated we got.  If you were driving past us that night, I am certain you would have thought we were high!  We were very animated and laughing so much! As I glanced over at my momma I thought I want to remember this for the rest of my life.....CLICK!

Later that night we were sitting on the couch watching A CHRISTMAS PRINCE, eating
Sonic (my momma's absolute favorite treat) and talking.  We got tickled again, about what I cannot remember, but my momma had her head back and the most beautiful smile on her face.  I started to grab my phone to take a picture, but I didn't want to ruin the moment.  Instead.....CLICK.  Even as I type I may not be able to remember what we were laughing about, but clear as day I can see her radiant smile!

These moments are so precious.  The night ended with my momma having a seizure and being scared and confused, so those sweet memories are worth more than anyone will ever know.

A couple of weekends ago, I went to stay with my momma while my daddy went hunting.  They had originally planned on my momma going that weekend, but on Friday she just wasn't able to make it.  Her knees are full of arthritis and were hurting her and she just wasn't up to the trip mentally or physically.  This weekend was also filled with special memories and sad moments.  My momma gets extremely confused and scared and weeps very often.  It breaks my heart.  She had several of these moments that weekend.  When she woke up on Saturday morning she was convinced we had been in a plane wreck and she was so scared and crying so hard.  I showed her that we were both ok and she was relieved, but still thought we had gone down in a plane.  I couldn't convince her that we were sitting in her bedroom.  These moments are not the kind of moments I wish to click.  BUT.....oh I love big buts.....and I cannot lie!  BUT.....we also had some really sweet moments.  One moment started out as a weepy moment of my momma telling me how sad she was that she can't show my daddy how much she appreciates all he does for her.  She said "I can't even make him a cake anymore."  I promptly told her we could make a cake together.  She in turn said "But I can't even stand in the kitchen to do it."  I came back with....."Well, we can make it in the living room."  She was so happy! If I had given her a million dollars I don't think she would have been any happier!  So, I gathered the ingredients and brought them in the living room and we worked on the cake.  She was stirring her little heart out when my daddy walked in the door.  She was so very proud that he saw with his very own eyes that SHE was making HIM a cake.  I hope it was the best cake he has ever tasted!  Sometimes love looks like cake batter in the living room.  CLICK!

This last weekend momma again came to stay with us and it was a hard weekend.  She was sad more often than she was happy.  There were many moments of tears and lots of confusion.  BUT.....we also had moments of clarity and moments of sweet conversation. As we were driving to my daughter's house my momma was telling me how much she hated what was happening to her body and her mind.  How she desperately wished she could be the woman she once was.  How she has always been the caretaker and now it is so hard to let others care for her.  I asked her if she remembered a season when my niece was having a particularly hard time and would get very anxious about going to school. She did remember.  One of the many things I am grateful for is my momma's long term memory is still perfectly in tact.  She remembers all of us and can tell you word for word stories from 50 years ago. Anyway, back to the time my niece was struggling; my momma gave her a bracelet with an angel on it and told her anytime she got anxious or worried or scared just remember the angel on her wrist and that Jesus is with her and is bigger than any of her fears. I told momma I didn't have bracelet to give her, but that we could make a pinky promise that every time she started to feel anxious or sad that she would remember that Jesus is with her and He is bigger than anything!  We decided that each day we are going to choose joy and laughter over sadness and tears.  We will remember our memories of happy days, because thankfully those are in tact!  We will hook our pinkies together and promise to always love each other every time we see each other.  We will virtually pinky promise on the phone when we are miles apart.  As we hooked pinkies together at that red light, once again I thought this is a moment to cherish.  CLICK!

I am happy to report that my momma has successfully remembered our pinky promise.  I ask her every time I talk to her.....do you remember our pinky promise and then she tells me "We will choose to be happy and not sad.  Jesus is always with us."  I do wish I could say that there are no more tears or confusion or sadness, I can't.  BUT.....Jesus loves us and we will choose joy over tears as often as we can.

Friends, remember what love looks like! It's not always hearts and roses and holding hands.  Sometimes love is silly, sometimes it is pinky promises, sometimes it is patience, sometimes it is messy, sometimes love is sonic treats together, sometimes it is cake in the living room and sometimes it is just choosing joy.

iCloud can hold many pictures for us just like the ones of my momma stirring that cake, but sometimes being in the moment without your phone is more important.  CLICK as many mental pictures as you can!  Those pictures will float in our minds and hearts for a lifetime.  Even when we can't remember how to use our phones or what day it is.......somewhere in our memories those moments are still there, still real and still alive.