Consider how the wildflowers grow: They don’t labor or spin thread. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was adorned like one of these.
Luke 12:27
How is it already October? I can hardly believe we are in the final quarter of 2019! This year has been filled with joy and sadness, prosperity and lack, births and deaths, saying hello and saying goodbye, new normals and old habits, adventure and downtime, health and sickness, faith and fear, victories and regrets.
Through all things-the good, the bad and the ugly, God has always been right beside me even on the days I didn't realize it. Some days His presence was tangible and so easy to receive and some days He felt a million miles away, out of reach and completely invisible. He was there. He was listening. He was caring. He was straightening crooked paths. He was fighting battles I had no idea were even going on. He was protecting. He was providing. He was.....
A little over a year ago I thought about ending my life. Not only did I think about it, I had a plan. A plan that probably would have worked. A plan that seemed so reasonable in the moment. A plan inspired by the devil and intercepted by God. In the last year, I have twice (2 more than I every dreamed) thought about ending my life. Those were the days the enemy's voice was louder than anything else in my world. He is a liar and manipulative. He twists the truths and knows your weakness. I despise him.
There were many days that I saw God's love, faithfulness and the hope He so freely offers. Joyous days brought much relief to a mind and heart completely overcome with stress, anxiety and true deep sadness. God always speaks life and never forsakes. He loves without abandon and will leave the 99 to chase after you, the 1. He is strength in our weakness. I love Him.
My appointment is set for 7:30, but I arrive at 6:45, not because I am punctual, but because my last appointment ended with words that shook me to my core. I hike up the steep stairs to the probation office and walk over to the pay window. As I am making my payment, I notice a guy in uniform standing in front of the sign in desk. This is new, I've never seen anyone in uniform here before. I check in and I am told I can go to the 2nd floor and wait for my officer. As I climb the stairs my eyes are cast down noticing the little non-slip strips on each step need to be cleaned. I count the steps as I ascend. One, two *my that step is dirty*, three, four *seriously, why are these steps so filthy*, five, six, seven, eight *I am certain someone could do community service here and clean these steps* then I reach the second floor and round the corner to wait on the church pew benches for my turn. I notice the room is full of uniformed officers, lots of them. What the heck? My tummy tightens and my heartbeat quickens. Deep down, I know they are there for me. After all, my last visit 30 days before ended with words that were not at all what I wanted to hear. I have been consumed with fear for the last 43,200 minutes dreading coming to the probation office today. I have not mentioned these fears to anyone. I just hold them in and pray. My family has enough to worry about. I did briefly mention in a group text to my family what I was told at the last visit, but haven't said another word about it. I am sitting on the pew looking up at the screen with my name and my officer's name flashing my arrival and appointment times. My mind is whirling and I just want all this to be over! My officer comes to the edge of his office doorway, leans his head out and calls my name. I look at him, I can see in his eyes this is not going to be a good day! He motions for me to come to his office. As soon as I am on my feet all of the uniformed officers file in behind and around me and somewhat crowd me making me move in the direction of the office. I finally approach the door and the sinister Joker poster hanging on the wall that always catches me just a little of guard is laughing at me. Seriously, I can hear the laughs coming from the oversized paper with Heath Ledger's dark and demented painted face! As soon as I can gather my thoughts and silence the laughing an officer steps out from behind the door. He is towering over me and without any words swiftly shackles my wrists. I am whisked to the elevator and taken away with no chance to call my family or yell for help. No words are spoken to me and I speak no words to anyone else. This is it, but how it happened I still can't make sense of. Why this happened, no idea.
That is the scenario that played over and over in my head day after day. I dreamed of these horrible things. Dreams so real that I believed them. Dreams that robbed me of sleep. Dreams that overwhelmed me. Dreams that I allowed to create unrealistic fear in me.
That's all they were.....dreams and fear planted from an enemy.
In reality, I did have an appointment with my probation officer. In reality, he is such a kind man and frankly I usually don't mind going and I truly enjoy talking to him. I have had a total of 7 probation officers during this 7 years of probation and I have liked each and everyone of them and believe they have all truly liked me. Most of our visits are answering the routine questions that have to be asked each time......have you done or been in contact with any drugs.....no, have you been in possession of a firearm......no, have you been arrested since your last visit.....no, and then we just visit. It doesn't feel invasive in any manner. Most of our chats are about my grand-babes or cookies. However, going to that office just drudges up old memories of all that has happened. I hate that I let this get to me. It stirs emotions that I just simply wish would go away. Some might say I need freedom from this, but I actually believe I already have that. I have truly from the bottom of my heart and soul forgiven all involved. I know the truths and the lies of the whole season. I own the truths and rebuke the lies. I have broken soul ties that were deep and painful to break. I am free, but there is still a sadness that lingers in the air when I must rehash any of it and even though our visits are light and most often not even about what happened, the fact that I have to go just sucks.
Why do we let ourselves get all tangled up in the lies and affairs of the enemy again and again? Why can we hear the audible voice of God, see true miracles, receive supernatural provision, fall into the arms of grace and know without a doubt God is real and on our side.... then in an instant let a flaming arrow from the enemy pierce our soul, our very being so deep that we allow ourselves to be engulfed in the flames and despair of an enemy and question the things we knew to be so true just moments before. I don't know, I wish I did. I do know I am thankful for a God that is sovereign and secure and steadfast and loves us even when we forget that He is and will always be the Great I Am!
So, back to my visit with my probation officer today. As I said earlier, I don't mind going to see him, however, last month he did tell me some things that scared me. Y'all, I am on the last 10 months of an 8 year probation sentence. I completed all tasks mandated in my sentencing within the first 5 months, I have never missed a payment for my fees, I have never missed an appointment, until last month for the last 3 years I have only had to report 4 times per year in person and the other months I sent in a simple form. After my visit last month, I have let fear overcome my nights and bits and pieces of my day. A few simple words from my officer have sent me into anxiety levels that are uncomfortable, all consuming at moments in the wee hours of the morning. My tummy hurts, my teeth clench. W.H.Y????? Why do I allow fear to do this to me. I know the Great I Am. I not only know Him, He has done miraculous things for me! He has rescued me and given me mercy more times than I could ever count.
Last night I told my Community Group my story. I love sharing my story, so many good things and God winks! People need to know my story! God is good!!! Last night, I slept very little. I was irrationally consumed with fear! I made up scenarios in my head about my visit this morning. I was convinced the enemy was going to come after me for sharing my story. I had more faith in my crazy thoughts than I did in my God! The God I had just told a room full of people was always on our side. The God that has proven to me over and over that He is mighty. The God I love and loves me so deeply. The God that has the power to move mountains. The God that created the universe. The God that is omnipresent. The God that carries the power of everything in His name alone. I prayed earnestly for peace, for protection, for all the things. I know God is good and faithful, but I was still so full of fear. I went to my 7:30 appointment at 6:45 because I was so worried about things. When I walked into my officer's office he kindly greeted me, asked me all the usual questions, said it was time for my annual drug screen and asked if there was anything I needed from him. I burst into tears full of joy that none of the crazy scenarios I had created in my mind and had worried about for literally 30 days were just that.....crazy. He looked at me like I was, well, crazy. He asked if I was ok. I said yes and explained to him all the things I had spent so much time worrying about. He told me to breathe and to just keep doing what I am doing. He told me to stop worrying. He reminded me that I just need to send those things to the dead dry places to never prosper.
I felt so much relief after 5 minutes in his office. 5 minutes! I had spent at least 100 hours of the last 720 hours worrying about nonsense. Worrying about things that I have no control over. Things that the lies of the enemy made bigger in my mind than they really are. Worrying about things that God has already fought battles for. Worrying for no reason.
Fear, you are not welcome here. Today is a new day and I will do better at remembering God's favor surrounds me. I will walk in the knowledge that His favor will literally cause people to go out of their way to bless me....even my enemies will bless me. Today, I will put my faith and trust in the Lord and not this world. Today, I will rejoice. Today, I will repent for letting fear get the best of me. Today, I will accept the forgiveness He gives me. Today, I will be a better person. Tonight.....I will rest.
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