Broken Can Be Beautiful

God, pick up the pieces. 

Put me back 

together again. 

YOU ARE MY PRAISE!

~Jeremiah 17:14

Over the summer my oldest daughter, Eden, and her family traveled to Turkey. While in Turkey, they bought family members and other loved ones precious gifts.  Many of these gifts were beautiful carefully handcrafted pieces of pottery.  The day they arrived home, I picked them up from the airport really late at night and once we arrived at their house Eden and Corey couldn't wait to unpack their bags and show me all the wonderful things they had brought back.  I was so impressed with the time and effort they had taken to meticulously wrap and protect their treasures.  They were wrapped in bubble paper and then in shopping bags and then in a layer of clothing and lastly snuggled so carefully into little nooks of their suitcases.  As they were pulling the pieces out one by one and carefully unwrapping them, they would hold them up and show me each piece and talk about where they purchased the item and how they had made specific choices for each person so carefully.  

As Eden pulled the package that was intended for me out of her suitcase, we heard a rattle.  You know, that kind of rattle that tells you the items inside are not in perfect order any longer.  The kind of rattle that sort of makes your heart sink just a little because you know the contents are broken.  The look on her face went from joy and excitement to a little bit of sadness and disappointment as she carefully and slowly unwrapped the piece of pottery.  As expected it was broken into several pieces; some large, some just slithers and some practically dust. Who knows how it got broken.  Was it carless baggage handlers?  Was it turbulence?  Was it not wrapped as tightly as the other pieces?  Was it just one of those things that really has no explanation, the pressure of the current situation was just more than the pottery could withstand? Why did all the other pieces in the same baggage receive no damage? Doesn't seem fair.  Why was that piece singled out?    

Eden quickly offered to give me something she had bought for herself.  There was something in me that just wanted the broken one.  I told her I could glue it back together and it would be fine.  Full disclosure, part of me really just didn't want my daughter to be sad or to give up something that she had chosen for herself.  Part of me really wanted the broken one, I don't know why.....but I did.  I took the broken pieces home with me and just put them on a shelf in my garage thinking someday I would get around to gluing them together.  

Those broken pieces have sat on my shelf for several months and I see them every single time I get in or out of my car.  Sometimes when I see them my heart feels a little sad that my gift is sitting there unusable and other days I think....I really should just glue these pieces back together.  

Last night when I pulled into my garage and saw the broken pieces, I felt God urging me to just sit down and glue the pieces back together.  As I sat down at my table and started gluing, my first instinct was to glue the 2 larger pieces together first and then add the other smaller parts.  What I discovered was that the little pieces didn't fit in the cracks the way they should.  I had to break the 2 large pieces apart again to get the little pieces into place. The pieces broke apart fairly easily because the crack had already been established.  I just put a little pressure on it and they fell apart.  I am certain I could not have broken this little bowl with my bare hands if it had not been previously shattered.  I also realized that if I tried to rush my process it didn't look as nice and it would force other pieces to fall back off.  Basically, I had to start with the small pieces and let them settle and dry before I could move on to making it whole again.  My stubborn personality led me to try to get it all back together in one step more than once.  Inevitably, I had to put it together piece by piece in an order that allowed it to all become a single piece again.  Once I surrendered to the process, most all the pieces went back into place and the bowl looks beautiful.  Don't get me wrong, it's not like it was when my daughter bought it and it definitely has 'scars' and a few missing pieces, but all in all it is back together and serving the purpose it was intended.  It will be proudly displayed in my house in all it's splendor.  

God sure taught me a lot putting that little bowl back together.

The last 5 months have been extremely difficult for me.  Difficult on a lot of levels.  Overwhelming might be a better word to use.  I have had moments....days even where I didn't think I could breathe.  I didn't know how I was going to make it through, I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I was broken.  Broken emotionally.  Broken financially.  Broken spiritually.  Broken physically.  Broken with fear.  Broken with heartache.  Broken with longing.  Broken with sadness.  Broken with worry.  Broken with loneliness.  Just broken into so many pieces.  I broke so easily this time.  I have always been a strong woman. I have considered myself a conqueror, an overcomer.....a you better run from me Satan, because I'm coming for you kind of woman.  A me and God have this kind of woman. Not this time.  This time I crumbled into so many little pieces.  This time was different.  This time on 2 separate occasions the enemy got so deeply in my brokenness that I actually considered just ending it all.  All I wanted to do was be with Jesus.  I didn't want to have to fight.  I didn't want to be sad.  I didn't want.....I just didn't want.  How did I get here? Where did my strength go? That little bowl showed me that I break easier than before, maybe because I have been broken previously and maybe because the new breaking can make room to heal other parts of my life.  

   

In early June I went into work on a Saturday morning just as the sun came up overwhelmed with so many things in my life. I arrived at my desk with a belly full of energy drinks and a pocket full of pills.  This is hard to write.  I have told no one about this day, but God has told me it is necessary.  Necessary for me to own this truth.  Necessary to maybe encourage someone else.  Necessary.  I was going to do the work I needed to do and then just swallow the pills.  I was positive that the combination of energy drinks and pills would just give me a heart attack.  That I and the world around me would just be better off with me in heaven.  I was broken and just felt like there was no putting me back together.  I was tired and worn. Satan was in my head.  As I tried to complete my tasks, my pastor called me to his office.  He told me I looked like I was about to have a breakdown.  He was more right than he knew. I was having what was most likely a breakdown.  His words made me change my mind about the pocket full of pills.  He told me that he wasn't willing to sacrifice anyone's life and that I needed to rest before I do anymore work.  He thought my life was worth it. He had no idea what my thoughts and plans were. He thought the words he was speaking were related to physical exhaustion, physical ailments.......reality he was speaking directly to my mental state and spiritual health.  I know my family thought I was worth it. I know I didn't want them to be sad, but at that moment I seriously  thought they would be ok if I was Jesus (with a clear mind and perspective, I know how wrong and selfish this thought was). Y'all, the enemy is real and manipulative.  Full of lies that at times seem so rational. He wasn't telling me not to love Jesus. He was telling me a twisted truth of how comforting it would be to just fall into Jesus' arms and tangibly feel His embrace.  He was right, one day it will be so awesome to fully embrace Jesus with the full weight of his arms around me.  But he twisted it in the lie that forcing my departure from earth under my own terms was ok.  He has and will always be a liar.  Jesus thought I was worth it. Jesus sent a man to tell me my life was worth it, even if that man had know idea what level of truth he was speaking to me. His words came straight from the lips of Jesus.   I went home with a plan to live and a reminder that I matter.  

In September I was struggling.  The enemy knew it.  He was ready to pounce.  I left myself wide open!  I again let this world overcome me and I once again just wanted to be with Jesus.  This time, I was able to remind myself that God has overcome the world!  So even though the world was trying to overcome me.....Jesus was bigger and Jesus was better.  This time, I told my family my thoughts.  This time I created a team of warriors to pray from that day forward that the enemy will never be able to even whisper those thoughts to me.  This time I cover myself and my family in prayer every single day that the stinking devil cannot talk to any of us that way.  

For transparency purposes, I will tell you that I am still broken.  I am still sad and worry at times.  I still have a lot of burdens.  I still cry more often than I would like to admit.  But God, my family and friends...and that little bowl are reminding me that things can be put back together.  It takes time, it takes patience, it takes the right order.  

I have an amazing family and support system.  A family that shows me every single day how much they love me.  I love my family with all my heart and vow that I will never ever have to tell them I am having those kinds of thoughts again.  I maybe broken, but they hold me together.  They are there for me on every single level of brokenness I described.  I pray I do the same for them.  We are a team and we will not let this world become more than we can handle......because every single day we will remind ourselves and each other that we fight from victory and not for it.  

I was telling a friend just yesterday that I would do battle for her.  Anyway, anytime.  She needs it.  She is broken too.  In a very different way she is broken.  But God.....but friends......but faith.  She is getting there one day at a time!  When I was talking to her I was so easily prepared to stand in the gap for her on the days she just couldn't do it for herself.  I meant every word.  Because I know the feeling of knowing that there is a God in heaven, but still having trouble just breathing because this world doesn't make sense.  I know the truth of fear and sadness that is so strong it overwhelms you and just being too tired to utter another prayer.  

Friends, pray for your friends.  Pray for your enemies.  Pray for your loved ones.  Pray for yourself.

God showed me with that little bowl that He was putting my broken pieces back together (again). That things may look a little different and that some of the pieces are just not a part of my whole anymore (and that's ok). But all in all I am still a masterpiece.  I am worth it.  I will feel whole again.  He can and will still use me.  I am usable.  I will never be so broken he can't put my pieces back together.  God is my Praise.  My strength.  My way to restoration.

He Thinks I Am Radiant

Those who look to Him are radiant; 

their faces are never covered with shame.

~Psalm 34:5

She's

Tough

Righteous

Empowered

Nurtured

Grateful

Transformed

His

I am, we are righteous!

right·eous

ˈrīCHəs/

adjective

adjective: righteous

1.  acting in accord with divine or moral law :free from guilt or shame or sin


Certainly, I am not (we are not) righteous on my (our) own. But thank God Almighty, we are righteous through the blood of Jesus Christ!  I am not free from guilt or sin, but because He died for me, my debt is paid and I am righteous,  Doesn't make sense does it?  Nope, it doesn't, but it is fact and I gratefully receive His grace!

Our worship team, Pursue Worship, has recently released an album.  I absolutely love all the songs on this album.  It has probably been since 1987 that I have popped a CD in and listened to it on repeat for weeks without listening to anything else.  I just can't get enough.  My most favorite song on this album is entitled THE CROSS IS ENOUGH. I cannot listen to this song without weeping!  I don't care if I heard it an hour ago and I hear it again, the tears just stream.  Our sweet, sweet Jesus paid it all for us on that cross.  Can you wrap your brain around that?  I literally cannot!  I love it, I believe, I receive it, I share it; but it is just too overwhelming for me to rationalize how or why He would do this for me-for us.....but He did.....and....He doesn't regret it!

Let me just share a line or two (or more...it's just so good) of the lyrics:

The cross is enough

I've been washed by Your blood

My past has been healed

My futures is sealed

The cross is enough

My debt has been paid

Lord, I am what You say

I'm whiter than snow

and purer than gold

The cross is enough

Every sin, every stain

there's no exceptions

to Your never ending grace

You don't regret, the price You paid

You called me "worthy"

long before I called You "King"

These lyrics are powerful and full of truth. The truth of a God who loved us so much that He sent His only Son to save the world.  To save us, even before we ever acknowledged Him as Savior.

I pray you already know Jesus, but if you are reading this and you do not, PLEASE message me and I will be honored to share His story with you!  I will take you by the hand and lead you to throne of the King, where you too can find peace, forgiveness, righteousness.

As I sat at my dining room table one night trying to figure out what God was trying to teach me about strength, He led me to verse after verse about righteousness. So, I googled how many verses in the bible talk about righteousness.  I found 88!  I flipped through my bible and was surprised to find that I had over 30 of these verses highlighted from various sermons and bible studies.  He must really want us to know that the cross really was enough.  He died to set us free, to bring salvation, to give us grace and mercy, to make us righteous in the eyes of God.

If you are thinking, there is no way I can be forgiven for what I have done or that you have too much baggage; stop it!  Stop it now!  You are worthy, you can be forgiven, you are enough, you can be righteous.

If you still can't believe that our God redeems and restores, I challenge you to read the stories of these  women in the lineage of Christ: Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba and Mary.  There are so many articles on the internet about these women and of course their stories can all be found in the bible, I don't want to rewrite what has already been outlined so beautifully.   I will tell you that their stories include prostitution, adultery, shame, lies and so much more.  However, God transformed each and everyone of these ladies.  He gave them hope, He made them new, He redeemed them and they are righteous women in the family tree of Jesus Christ.

Ok, I have an idea!  I want to share the Pursue Worship album with you.  It will speak to your soul.  I promise.

Subscribe (follow) to this blog and comment with your greatest strength, then next Wednesday (November 1, 2017) I will randomly select 5 people to give the Pursue Worship album, Let It Rise.

I look forward to hearing from you!  

Until next time,,,,,,,

MORE THAN WE CAN IMAGINE

'Ask and it will be given to you; seek

and you will find;

knock and the door will be opened to you.'

~Matthew 7:7

The entire month of October was a month of asking God for many things!  Asking for my closest friends, my coworkers and myself.  We were not asking to be greedy or to be selfish.  We were not begging.  We were asking because God instructs us to ask, to petition Him for the things we need and even the things we want.  That's one of the gazillion things I love about God. He is all knowing, the designer of all things, the giver of life; yet He wants us to come to Him and ask for even the simplest things in life.  

For several years now, God has been nudging me to write. As I told you in my first post, I didn't want to do it.  I was scared, embarrassed, didn't think I had time or the skills required and so on, but I knew it was something He wanted me to do.  I think it is so funny how much I love and trust Him, yet I was still so scared to do something He was asking me to do.  Beginning October 1st I prayed that God would give me the courage I needed to actually sit down and do what He was asking me to do. On October 18th I was driving home from work and decided that I would finally just do it.  It was sort of odd,  I expected this big wave of confidence to come over me or the Holy Spirit to be like a cheerleader chanting in my ear saying "You can do it!  Go Lisa Go!" or something similar.  Nothing magical or spectacular happened, I just simply decided it was time and I was going to do it.  God doesn't have to put on a big show to answer your prayers, He just answers them.

My courage to sit down and write bits and pieces of my story reminds me of another time in my life when I found courage.  This time, I am certain it was an answer to prayers my parents had said for me.  I was an extremely shy child. Painfully shy.  From as far back as I can remember until I was in 7th grade, I always felt less than.  I felt like I wasn't as smart as the other kids, I felt ugly, I felt like I would be made fun of if I talked to someone. It was horrible.  I honestly don't know where these thoughts came from (other than satan himself).  As far as I remember no one had ever spoken those words to or over me.  It all came from my own mind.

I was standing on the risers in choir one day and I just decided I was not going to be shy anymore.  I was tired of it.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened that day, nothing special.  I just decided it was time to lay down my shyness and pick up my true personality.  That night I went home and told my mom I wanted some new clothes and that I was no longer going to be shy.  Her jaw dropped to the ground.  Retrospectively, I wonder if my request for new clothing was a burden to them? My mother put down her newspaper and took me shopping immediately.  We walked into a little boutique and I walked out with a whole new wardrobe.  Several days later, a bag full of hand me down clothing showed up on my bed.  The bag held so many Gloria Vandebilt and Sasson treasures, I simply couldn't believe it! Don't get me wrong, clothes didn't change who I was.However, the clothes I wore before were clothes that were more fitted to an older woman than to a tween.  I chose those clothes to hide behind.  Part of me becoming me was allowing myself to fit in with the rest of the girls my age. God did so much in my life in just a few seconds on the risers in 7th grade choir.  From that moment on, I was no longer shy.  I have since found unimaginable courage in so many areas of my life. I have found confidence in my God given talents and abilities.  I have discovered that I am beautiful inside and out, because He made me.  I have found my voice and look people in the eyes.   I have spoken at conferences in rooms that were filled with over 8000 faces looking back at me and over 8000 sets of ears listening to me. I have found the courage to tell anyone willing to read my blog, the truth about how amazing my God is!

It gives me chills when I think about how much God can do without having to show off.  Just a gentle outpouring of courage can change everything in an instant. I am grateful for these quiet answers to prayer.

This month of asking also produced many gifts from our God that were a little more public and grand.  I have a friend that has been praying for a job for over 8 months and He went back to work the week after Thanksgiving. During the 8 months of prayer this friend and his wife were diligent in their prayers, their tithes, their offerings and standing on God's promises.  Oh, there were days of discouragement, doubt, disappointment, but deep down they never lost their faith and hope in our true provider.  During this time without a job, provision came in so many wonderful ways. God is faithful all the time.  Sometimes, it is just hard to see when you are in the midst of a storm.  I love that this job offer came at the end of a month of intentionally asking for specific things, standing on the promises in Ephesians 3:20, having friends pray specifically for your requests and just in God's perfect timing.

I have another couple in my circle of friends that have been praying for a baby for so very long. God spoke to them at the beginning of 2016 and promised them a child this year.  October is very late in the year to be expecting a baby by year end, when there is no baby on the horizon.  In true and perfect confirmation of the promises that He can do MORE than we can ASK or IMAGINE, He blessed this family with a beautiful baby girl on October 16th.  It was perfect timing.  It was beautiful and it was more than any of us could have imagined. 

As a reminder, here were my big asks:

• Have the courage to write the book God has been nudging me to do for the last couple of years - as explained above and evidenced by this blog, God answered this so quietly, yet so awesomely.
• I asked for the bakery to bring in a certain dollar amount each day-for several days in October, November and now December this specific dollar amount was reached or exceeded, and I am looking forward to the day it will be met every single day without fail.  I know it is coming, I know I have to work for it and I know I have to keep tithing and blessing others, but it is coming!  
• For complete and total supernatural healing of my mother's seizures-still believing this one is coming!  I think this will be a quiet answer as well, one day we will just say....."Oh my goodness!  It has been 2 months since mom has had a seizure!"....and then they will never return.
• To lose weight-I am thrilled to report that I have lost 17 pounds in the last 6 weeks and I have full expectations that I will meet my goal!  I have been needing to lose weight for years, but this time I am actually seeing results.
• And one more that is just too personal to put on this little blog-still praying about this one, but I have had so many God winks lately, that I fully believe God is going to blow my mind on this one.  When He does, I will share all the details with you.

I just can't say it enough.......God is so good.

ASK BIG......THANK BIG

 Now to Him who is able to do far

more abundantly than all that we

ask or think according to the power at 

work within us, to Him be glory in the church

and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations

forever and ever. Amen ~ Ephesians 3:20-21

I love Thanksgiving!  It is a season to reflect and truly give thanks.  It kicks off the holidays and ushers us into the Christmas season. For the last several years, I have reflected on the unexpected phone call that came just days before Thanksgiving in 2011 and the journey that followed.  I am reminded that if it had not been for my relationship with Jesus this season could be so different.  I am thankful for every single step of this journey.  I am thankful that Jesus and I walked hand and hand through the mess and came out on the other side better, stronger, happier and blessed beyond anything I could have imagined!

Baked Bliss is buzzing this week with Thanksgiving orders.  I absolutely love working the Wednesday before Thanksgiving at the bakery.  There is much to do and on any other day this might seem overwhelming. but for some reason on this day the extra orders and chaos are just different.  This day more than any other day of the year is full of joy, laughter, gratitude and a lot of hard work.  I am thankful for this little bakery and I am thankful for all the blessings I have received this year.

In late September of this year, our Executive Pastor challenged our staff to make October a month of big asking!  Asking God for things that may seem impossible, that might seem too big or too out of reach.  He gave us several scriptures that teach us about asking: He suggested we make a list of our asks and consistently with thanksgiving and humility petition God for these things.

• John 4:10 "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that is saying to you 'Give me a drink', you would have asked him, and he would have given you the water."
• James 4:2-3  "You do not have, because you do not ask.  You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly. to spend it on your passions."
• Mark 11:24 "Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
• Matthew 7:7-11 "Ask and it will be given to you;seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? or if he asks for fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though wou are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!'
• John 14:12-14 Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.  And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may  be glorified in the Son.  You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
• Philippians 4:6-8  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcend all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about those things.

The verse that stuck out to me and that I have clung to over these last several weeks is

• Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.  

This challenge was so exciting to me.  I have asked big and crazy things of God in the past and He has definitely done abundantly more than I could have ever imagined.  Challenge accepted.

 That night when I got home and into my comfy clothes I didn't turn on my TV or have any dinner.  I read all of the verses about asking and thought about what I wanted to ask for.  Not to be selfish or to ask for the sake of asking, but to ask because my Heavenly Father loves me so much that He wants me to bring my asks to Him.  I was surprised at how quickly I came up with my list.  They were all things that I have prayed about previously, but this time it just felt different.

The next evening, Tuesday, I had bible study with some of the most amazing women in my life.  I love this group.  We call ourselves the LEAP girls, Laugh Eat And Pray girls.This group started long before I became a member, but I have been a part of this group for almost 4 years now and treasure every single time we meet.  We have done countless bible studies together, celebrated together, cried together and most importantly prayed together.  I pray each of you reading this has a group of friends that will stand with you in prayer.  I mean honestly, sincerely, earnestly, persistently PRAY with and for you.  I told the LEAP girls about the challenge my boss had presented to the staff and they jumped on board.  We have a prayer book that we pass around each time we meet.  We all agreed that we would come up with a list of 3-5 big asks and by the next week we would all be brave and put these asks in the book, no matter how big or personal they were.

One of the girls in LEAP is the manager at Baked Bliss and the next day she took this challenge to our staff at the bakery.

The first Wednesday of each month our church has a Deeper service.  It is a night of worship, baptism and communion.  It is one of my favorite nights of each month.  Our worship is alive and truly ushers all in attendance into the presence of God,.  Baptism is always an exciting thing and I absolutely love watching people come up out of the water and rejoice!  Makes my soul sing!  Communion is just so personal and I weep every time I take communion.  Before service our Ministering Elders meet for prayer.  During this session the leader said that he had this overwhelming sense that we should be asking for BIG things during this season.  What a confirmation!

I absolutely love the ripple effects this thought of asking has had!  I love that so many of us are not only asking for ourselves, but standing firmly in agreement with our friends, co-worker and loved ones in their asks as well.

My asks were as follows:

• Have the courage to write the book God has been nudging me to do for the last couple of years.
• I asked for the bakery to bring in a certain dollar amount each day.
• For complete and total supernatural healing of my mother's seizures.
• To lose weight.
• And one more that is just too personal to put on this little blog.  

I set my alarm for 3:20 (standing on Ephesians 3:20) each afternoon to remind me to stop and ask. I pray off and on all throughout the day.  When I need help finding something, I pray.  When I am reminded of someone that I have promised to pray for, I pray.  When I am thankful and joyful, I pray.  When I need anything at all, I pray.  When I see any kind of emergency vehicle, I pray.  Sometimes these prayers are short and take only a few seconds and sometimes they take several minutes.  When my alarm goes off at 3:20 my prayers start with thanks and then I ask.  I ask for my requests and for all the requests that I have been made aware of others.  My list currently has about 47 asks from myself and others.  I ask each day at 3:20 for all 47.  I don't only ask, but I thank God for the answers and miracles He is going to bring.

I can't wait to share with you in my next post of all the answers that have come.  They are big and they are mighty!

Ask
Believe
Wait
Recieve
Rejoice
Shout of His goodness!

JESUS IS BETTER

Come, let us sing to the LORD! 

Let us shout joyfully to the rock of our salvation. 

Let us come to Him with thanksgiving. 

Let us sing psalms of praise to Him.

~Psalm 95:1-2

 

 

If there is one thing I know for certain, it's that God answers prayers!

My oldest daughter and her husband had started talking about babies just before I went off to camp.  They didn't get serious about actually having a baby until the fall of 2012.  

They were pregnant just shortly after they started trying.  We were all so very happy!  The first baby on my side of the family in over 12 years and on my son in law's side of the family it had been several years as well.  That Christmas we hung small little stockings on the fireplace, dreamed about next Christmas with a little one getting so many presents and only wanting to play with the boxes.  Our conversations were all about baby.  One of my favorite pictures at my younger daughter's wedding is of both my daughters just after my youngest daughter kissed her sister's belly.  There is such joy on each of their faces.  My youngest is still kneeling and smiling so big and my oldest has her head thrown back in laughter.  What a great moment for a mother!  My heart swells with joy each time I see this picture.  However, there is also a sadness and hurt that comes along with this picture.  Shortly after the first of the year, just as my daughter was heading into her 2nd trimester, the unthinkable happened.  She miscarried. Heavy hearts and tears were abundant.  Her doctor told her she thought she could go through the course of the miscarriage at home.  Days of pain and sadness were to follow.  

 

My daughter and her husband waited the allotted amount of time given by her physician to try again.  We were all so very excited when she shared the news that they were again expecting!  We all immediately started talking about names and the joy and hopes of a new little family member returned!  At approximately 8 weeks along she started having complications and the doctors informed us that they believed she had another miscarriage.  Stricken with grief once again, we all mourned the loss of another baby.  It is more than heartbreaking for a mother to watch her child go through this.  Especially when this mother has also suffered the loss of babies.  There are so many things that run through your mind when you lose a baby. The what if's, why didn't I's and so on.  Until you or your spouse have sat on that table and listened to the words, I'm so sorry, but....., you have no idea the absolute sadness and loss associated with this.  About 4-6 weeks after this news, my daughter tells me she feels like something isn't right.  She makes a doctor's appointment and to all of our shock and surprise they do an ultrasound and that little heart beat is still bumping along. Talk about a roller coaster!  For 1-2 more weeks (my timeline gets fuzzy here) we celebrate this little life that was thought to be lost and now wasn't for it to only end in a true loss.  On the day she found out that the little heartbeat was no longer beating she had already scheduled an interview.  She
went straight from the ultrasound, the I'm so sorry, but....conversation to her job interview.  My daughter is amazing! She is more than a conqueror!  She is a warrior!  I stand amazed at her and her husband's faith over and over. This time she was far enough along into her 2nd trimester that she would require surgery. She was already in the back being prepped for her procedure when her cell phone rings, it is the lady she had the interview with and she is offered the job.  A little God wink on an otherwise bad day.

It is now September and my youngest daughter has been married 8 1/2 months.  I get a phone call and she is now telling me that she and her husband are expecting a baby in late spring (they are guessing May).  This isn't by any means planned.  I still feel horrible about my reaction to this news.  My first response was "What about E and C?  Do they know?  Oh my goodness."  I absolutely regret these being my first words.  I was over joyed at my core at the thought of my youngest becoming a mommy, but my heart literally ached for my oldest!  I can't quite explain the battle that raged in my heart and mind. So thrilled for one and so heartbroken for the other.  If I could do this conversation over., I so would.  I would have first expressed my joy and excitement for my youngest and her husband and later had a conversation with my oldest and her husband about my grief for them.  I cannot undo my initial reaction and the words that came out of my mouth.  My only peace comes from knowing that conversations that followed were of  excitement and the fact that my youngest daughter knows without a doubt how in love with my grandson I am.

My youngest struggled with this pregnancy and felt so much guilt.  She cried on days where she should have been overwhelmed with joy.  She worried about her sister and brother in law and forgot on many days to be completely consumed with her own well deserved happiness.  I regret the part I played in these struggles by my response to her happy news.  I am grateful that she did learn to find her joy and glow of pregnancy. She is a woman of mercy and much love.  She too is a warrior and a conqueror.

My oldest and her husband handled this like champs.  They were excited about a little one coming to our family.   They celebrated with all of us.  I know that in deepest parts of their hearts and when alone they must have mourned their losses over again and must have felt the littlest bits of grief and questioned why.

During my youngest's 3rd trimester, my oldest once again became pregnant.  With caution and faith we all were thankful.  They would hold off on announcing this pregnancy until after the 2nd trimester and reports from the doctor were positive.  Just a few days after my youngest gave birth, my oldest and her husband announced to the world via facebook that they were expecting.  So much celebration.  So much gratitude.  So much to look forward to.  The. very.  next.  day. tragedy strikes again.  Pains and bleeding lead to an ultrasound which leads to that dreadful conversation once again.

Once again she is scheduled for a surgery due to the size of the baby and the length of the pregnancy.  She is set for her procedure on the 29th of May, just 7 days after her nephew was born.  My family is that family that ALL shows up when someone is having surgery or in the hospital.  Sometimes I feel a little self-conscience about the number of people we bring to a waiting room, but I honestly wouldn't have it any other  way.  So, my daughter goes back and the rest of us are sitting in the tucked away corner of the waiting room of the surgicneter.    We are next to what I assume is the surgicenter nurse managers office.  It is a busy little office, people in scrubs are in and out.  Sometimes they bring stuff into the office and sometimes they leave with a stack of papers.  We have commented on how busy that poor manager is.  My daughter has been in surgery for about 20 minutes when a nurse or scrub tech bursts through the door and barrels into the manager's office.  She had a look of sheer terror on her face.  She was white as a ghost.  You could most definitely tell something was not right.  Little did any of us know that the look of terror was regarding my daughter.  Just a couple of minutes later my son-in-law and I are called into a small room and we are informed by a nurse that their has been a complication in my daughter's surgery.  Her iliac artery has been nicked and she has lost 1/3 of the blood in her body.  We are told that several surgeons have been called and the first one to arrive "will save her life."  I.  have.. never.. been.. so scared.  in my entire life.  I begged the nurse to tell me everything was going to be okay.  I begged her to give me a glimmer of hope.  I begged her to look me in the eyes and give me a hint of peace.  The best she could offer was to pray with us.  I took it!  We prayed for everyone involved.  Prayed for my daughter from the tip of her head to the tips of her toes and everything in between.

Throughout all the pregnancies many prayers have been said.  Many requests for favor have been solicited.  Many desperate prayers.  But none of these prayers compared to the prayers I and my family said that day.

A surgeon and his team of 5 bolt through the front doors of the surgicenter carrying all kinds of gear.  I know this is the team that with God's favor, grace and mercy will save my daughter.  I still don't know why they came through the front doors and not the doctor/staff entrance.  I am grateful I saw their arrival.  It seemed like hours had passed from the time we were informed of this horrible news until this team walked through the door.  In reality it was only 27 minutes. Seeing them gave me peace.  I swear I feel like they were wearing capes and they sort of flew in the doors.  I knew God was already in the room with my daughter and I believed with everything I had that she would be okay. However, my mind kept going to places I don't care to say.  Dark and scary places.  Prayers would settle my mind for a minute and then the enemy would whisper devastating thoughts to me.  GET.  thee.  BEHIND.  ME. satan!  Not today!  Today will have a happy ending!

Approximately a half hour later, both the original physician and the super-hero surgeon meet us in the small room which is now overflowing with family, pastors and friends to tell us that they have stopped the bleeding and that she will need to ride in an ambulance to the hospital and have a stay in surgical icu, but they honestly believe she will make a full recovery.  The poor surgeon that had nicked her artery was so distraught and full of apologies.  My heart hurt for her.  She told us she had been in practice for 30 years and nothing like this had ever happened to her before.  She cried with us.  She prayed with us.  She celebrated God's favor in sparing my daughter's life with us.  The super-hero surgeon with his cape (OR coat) waving in the wind (breeze from the ac) was just as attentive to our fears, sorrow and gratefulness.  He too stood in the circle as we lifted up prayers of thanks and continued healing. My daughter will later tell me that she had a premonition that something was going to happen during the procedure.

This momma's heart had about all it could take.  I wanted so badly for my oldest and her hubby to be parents, but I was so afraid.  They too had felt the weight of all of this and decided to take a little breather and just seek God and see what He had to tell them about their future as parents.  In the interim they are amazing with their nephew.  You can just see the love they have for him.  Their joy is real and sincere.  It is God's grace.  I believe God sent this sweet boy to our family for many reasons.  One of those reasons was to comfort his grieving Aunt and Uncle.  God's grace is just so sweet and perfect.

One Sunday afternoon  in early September after church, my daughter and son-in-law are sort of arguing back and forth about whether they should try again for a baby or if maybe adoption is what they are called to do.  They decide to pray about it and my son-in-law tells my daughter "I just wish I could hear God's voice and know exactly what He wants us to do!"

That night as my son-in-law climbs into bed he grabs his devotional.  The title for that night's study is 'Deciphering God's Voice'.  It is the story of Samuel and Eli.

"And the Lord called Samuel again the third time. And he he arose and

went to Eli and said, "here I am, for you called me." Then Eli perceived 

that the Lord was calling the boy.  Therefore Eli said to Samuel, "Go, lie 

down, and if he calls you, you shall say, 'Speak, Lord, for your servant

hears.'"  So Samuel went and lay down in his place. 

And the Lord came and stood, calling as at other times, "Samuel! Samuel!"

And Samuel said, "Speak, for  your servant hears."

~1 Samuel 3:8-10

That night as they prayed, they did hear the Lord.  They heard adoption was a course He had planned for them.  They knew in an instant that a son would be named Eli.

Just a couple of short weeks later I have told anyone that would listen about their plans to adopt.  I am sitting in the drive thru line at Chick Fil A and my phone rings.  It is a good friend that I connected with in that warehouse painting furniture.  She tells me that a friend of hers that she had told our story to has called her.  This friend's daughter has a friend on facebook that has just posted she is needing to find an adoptive family for the baby she is pregnant with.  A baby that is due the first of October.  I call my daughter and tell her this news.  She tells her hubby.  An hour later we meet at my friend's house to meet this mother.  She explains to us that her situation has changed very drastically over the last several days and the baby's father has left her with no money and no way to raise a second child.  She says she wants to give her baby to my daughter and son-in-law.  Oh my goodness!  That was fast!  We are talking and I ask about a name.  They said it would be Eli.  The pregnant girl sitting across from us bursts into tears and shows us a facebook post from several weeks prior.  She had planned to name this baby Eli.  

We work out some details and obtain a lawyer.  We cover her expenses and pay all of her back rent and such.  We take this young woman and her 4 year old daughter under our wings as we prepare for the arrival of the baby.  My daughter and I go to the remaining doctor's appointments.  We hear the heartbeat, we are given all the previous ultrasound pictures.  Our excitement is over the top.  At the last appointment before Eli is born, a date is set for induction.  The night before induction this young woman spends the night at my house.  The next morning we arrive at the hospital and get settled into the delivery room.  The lobby is filled with about 15 family members anxiously awaiting the birth of this sweet child.  14 hours later this precious baby is born, my son-in-law cuts the cord and the baby is immediately placed in my daughter's arms and skin to skin is initiated.  It was a beautiful moment for all of us, but a sad and hard moment for this young woman.  My family is escorted to a nearby room where everyone can relish in this birth and take turns holding this sweet boy.  The smiles are contagious and are from ear to ear. I stay with the young woman that just spent the last 9 months carrying this child.  

The next day she is released from the hospital.  Before her departure, she signs guardianship papers for my daughter and her hubby.  They place their names on the birth certificate. 

At last, there is a child in their arms.  

When a mother gives birth and decides to give her child up for adoption, there is a 48 hour waiting period before she can terminate her rights.  43 hours into the 48 hour waiting period, I get a call from the birth mother.  "I can't do it!  I need him back!  Now!" is all she said to me.  This.  this is my worst day.  Oh my goodness, I did not do well!  I lost it.  Completely and totally lost it.  I was so angry at her, so angry at God. So angry.  So angry.  "Why God, WHY?????!!!????  We did not have to be sad today!  Why did you bring this baby to us, just to yank him away?  WHY?" I am having a melt down, screaming these things into the atmosphere in my office.  It is not pretty.  It is not full of faith.  It is not the least bit who I am called to be.  It is not at all soft or quiet.  It is blood curdling screams of anguish and and uncontrollable grief.  What am I going to tell these new parents that have already been through so very much?  How can this mother's heart sit there and watch the faces of joy turn to sadness.  

I call my pastor who is also my friend.  He and his wife have formed relationship with this birth mother.  Maybe they can talk some sense into her.  I go to the Dream Center and I am still having a nervous breakdown.  I have not yet told my daughter or her husband of this news.  I am trying to figure out a way for this not to be true.  For this not to be something we have to walk through.  My pastor's wife, my dear friend, is in the office talking to this woman that is tearing my world apart. My pastor is trying his best to console me.  It is not working!  He is reminding me of all that God has done for me and my family. He tells me "This world is not always good, but God is!  Remember that."  He is doing his best to get me into some kind of reasonable thinking.  He reminds me that I need to tell my daughter and son-in-law.  All I can see is tragedy.  I can't fathom how in this world they will be able to bear this news.  I can't stomach the looks on their faces as they fall apart.  I can't get a grip on us handing that baby back to it's birth mother.  

My pastor and his wife agree to go with me to my daughter's house and break the news.  I have called  an adoption agency that our church has formed a relationship with.  We are not using them for this adoption, but I feel like we need to make this transaction at their place of business.  Somewhere that is equipped to handle these things.  They agree. 

My daughter and her husband are literally just pulling into their driveway from the hospital about to take this baby into his new home for the first time as we pull in behind them.  We go inside and I do my best to hold it together and spit the words out.  They immediately cry.  Within just a few seconds my son-in-law is on his knees and fumbling with his phone.  He grabs my daughter into the floor with him.  They cling to the baby and to each other and he puts on worship music.  I am in complete and utter shock and awe.  The song JESUS IS BETTER is blasting from his iphone.  They are on their knees praising God.  They are in such a tight embrace there is literally no space between them and that sweet baby.  

This is nothing like I had pictured in my head!  This is not the things nightmares are made of.  This is a picture of unconditional love.  A picture of faith like I have never seen.  It is beautiful, yet heart breaking.  My words do not do this moment justice.   

A couple of hours later we are on the lawn of the adoption agency as the birth mother is in talking to the counselor.  The birth mother's mother comes over and tries to touch my daughter and say something to her.  Her husband quickly pulls her into his arms and tells this woman to stay away.  He tells us that he had an uncontrollable urge to protect her from this woman.  This woman literally flees to a corner and cowers there for several minutes until her daughter emerges from the office.

It is our turn to go in.  We carry the baby in with us.  The adoption attorney and founder of this agency and her assistant are sitting at a table waiting for us.  They confirm the news that the birth mother wants her baby back.  They call the birth mother in and my son-in-law reluctantly hands the baby to her.

I mean it when I say, this was my worst day.  It had beautiful moments of courage and faith, but it was my worst day.

The next day reality sets in and things are hard.  To me this was worse than a miscarriage.  Please don't get me wrong, miscarriage is loss and it hurts deep and long.  But this.  This was almost harder as there was still a baby.  A baby that was being taken from our arms.  A baby with a lifetime ahead of him.  A baby that will most likely never know how much this other family loved him.
My daughter is clinging to her faith and her husband is right beside her proclaiming God's goodness.  They tell us that they believe they were meant to be this baby's parents, if only for 43 hours.  They were called for whatever reason.  The prayers, the words spoken, the love, whatever the reason he was meant to be theirs if only for a moment. Wow.  Just, wow!  So mature to be so young.  So grounded and strong in their faith.

I am on the phone with my friend, the genius that came up with the cookie card, and I am still sobbing and mourning.  I am not being as strong as my children.  I am telling her that I love God and I know He is real, but I don't want to do this!  I don't want to walk through this.  I don't want to be sad.  We didn't have to be sad.  I go on and on.  I tell her that the bible is full of horror stories.  Yes, stories of horrible trials and hardship.  Yes, God was full of redemption and restoration  ......but these stories are the stories of horror.  Whine, whine, whine.  Just then my phone buzzes.  It is a text from a number that is not stored in my contacts.  I open it and it is simply a bible verse.  Matthew 8:23-26.  As you might recall in my previous post this is the verse that says "Oh ye of little faith, why are you so afraid?"  It goes on to say that Jesus told the waves and the winds to BE STILL.  Oh my goodness! God sure does have a way of sending subtle reminders of His grace and mercy. A random person sending words straight from heaven to my phone.  I have since found out who this person is, but they are still in my phone contacts as Random Verse.

OKay, Lisa get it together.  You know who God is!  You know that He is a good God!  You have taken Him with you on many journies and He has never forsaken you, He has never left you.

I call to check on my daughter and son-in-law.  Once again they astound me with their faith.  They have suggested that we have a night of worship.  A night to thank God for the moments we spent with this little baby.  A night to continue to ask for a forever child.  A night to have friends and family gather to honor our God.  Simply, to praise Him in this storm.

We had the night of worship and it was beautiful.  There were about 45 of us gathered at the Dream Center.  45 tired, weary, hurting souls crying out to our King.  Thanking Him for all He has done for us and yet again boldly approaching His throne of Grace and asking.

After this night, my soul found complete rest and peace in this situation.  Hope was restored and expectations were once again set towards a forever child.

It was decided that my daughter and her sweet husband would go through an adoption agency this time.  This meant a price tag of $35.000.00. How in the world are we going to come up with $35,000.00?  Cookies!  Once again, our little in home bakery would be put to good use.  We baked and baked cookies.  We put our story out on social media. We very quickly raised the first $11,000.00 which put them on a matching list.  We would have a few friends, family and strangers donate money to our cause, but the majority (over 95% ) of this $35,000.00 was raised by selling cookies.

Once they were on a matching list it didn't take long until a match was made.  There were a lot of concerns with this match.  She was a prostitute, a drug user and was wishy washy in whether or not she really wanted to put this baby up for adoption.  I think deep down we all had reservations, but we so desperately wanted a baby that we were afraid for them to say no.  Lots of prayers went into this relationship.  Things were getting a little dicier as the birth mother was no longer allowing my daughter to attend doctor appointments.  She was making more and more comments about not giving the baby up.  My daughter and her husband set up a meeting with her and the adoption agency counselor to try to come to an agreement.  It was a Wednesday evening, after church we all met at their house to discuss what they had learned during the meeting and to see what decisions they were going to make.  Should they continue this relationship and just hope and pray that it all works out? Should they terminate this relationship and be put back on the matching list?  What was God telling them?  We left that night without any solid answers.  Still uncertain as to what God had planned.

That night when I got home, I earnestly prayed that if this wasn't the baby for them that God would just send them a baby.  I wanted to pick up the phone and have someone on the other end tell me that there was a baby and would my kids be interested in being it's parents.  Bold and crazy prayer.  A prayer that was earnest.  I had no idea that my youngest daughter prayed this exact same (almost word for word) prayer that Wednesday night.

I am pulling into the church parking lot around 7:45 the following morning.  Still praying that God will just send us a baby.  My phone rings.  It is a sweet, sweet friend.  A friend that I have because I had 500 hours of community service to do that led me to the Dream Center.  Which led me to a warehouse night after night, where this sweet friend would come from time to time.  A friend that would become even closer once I got the job at the church, because she would come see me each Thursday to turn in receipts from the Wednesday night meals she would prepare for the youth of this church.

To be completely candid, my first thought when I saw her number pop up on my screen was "Wow!  She is calling early today.  I am not even in the building yet."  When I answer she is telling me that there is a baby that was born the night before.  A baby that was born in a bathtub  a few hours earlier. A young, sweet girl that knew God's plans for this baby was adoption had reached out and by God's grace was connected to MY friend. WAIT......am I dreaming or is this real life?  She is asking if my kids are interested in being this sweet, sweet, precious baby boy's parents?  I say "YES!  Of course!"  Then I realize, I might better ask them.  I call my daughter and she immediately knows something is up.  I tell her this crazy, almost unbelievable, miraculous story. She is beyond elated and calls her hubby.  20 minutes later this little boy, with the God given name of Eli, is in our arms.  He has been a perfect part of our family for a year and a half now.  He is just meant for our family.  We love the woman that gave birth to  him all on her own.  We love her not only for this precious gift of Eli, but for just who she is.  She and her best friend are our friends.  They are people we cherish.  People we love and that love us.  God's timing is always perfect.  His grace is endless and beutiful.

Redemption and Restoration are so abundant in our story.

The first woman that took the baby back has now married that baby's father and they are doing well.

We of course are so in love with Eli and like I said, he is the perfect fit for our family.
The woman that bravely carried and delivered him all by herself in a bathtub has told us that she made a mistake one night, but by God's redeeming grace, Eli is not a mistake.  She knows her decision was right.  As hard as it is some days, she without a doubt is confident that her decision was God ordained.  I know that God has amazing plans for her.  She is brave and courageous.

Through the sale of over 27,000 cookies for adoption expenses, it was possible for  a little bakery to become so popular that we were able to open  in a storefront just a week before Eli's final adoption.  This bakery, Baked Bliss, founded in a dream while I was at camp is still contributing to stories of redemption and restoration.  These are stories for another day.

Keep praying, He is listening.
Your answers will come.
This world is not always good, but God is.

PENNIES FROM HEAVEN

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,

whenever you face trials of many kinds 

~James 1:2

 As I am nearing the end of my time at camp, I reflect on everything that has happened over the last year and a half.  So many terrifying, horrible, devastating, life altering things have happened; however, just as many wonderful, miraculous, glorious, life changing things have happened.  Sure, I have lost jobs, a husband, all the money I had to my name, I had been arrested and sent to camp and so on.  I also have met amazing women, had God audibly speak to me, had God supernaturally move a wash rag at my request and on and on and on.

I haven't yet told you about the miracle of pennies.

When I was a young girl my maternal grandfather was very ill and spent a lot of time at the M. D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston.  One day when my momma, my sister and I were walking in, my momma found a penny.  She told us girls with great excitement "Oh look, it's a penny!"  We looked at her like she was a bit crazy, even at a young age we knew that pennies held little monetary value.  She went on to explain "Whenever I find a penny, I always remember that it says In God We Trust.  This is like a little wink from heaven.  It makes me remember to trust God in all things.  It reminds me that He is right here with us, no matter what is going on."  She picked the penny up and tucked it in her shoe.  That conversation has stuck with me all these years.  I can picture exactly where we were and the shoes she tucked the penny into.  I have found lots of pennies over the years and the majority of the time I find them in times when I need a wink from heaven, a gentle reminder that God is near and I should trust Him.  My momma tucked hers into her shoe, but I always tuck mine in my bra, right close to my heart.

Throughout the 548 days from that horrible, rotten, no good day in February 2011 to the sweet day in September 2012 when I was released from camp I found exactly 594 pennies. That is more than a penny a day (just in case you couldn't do the math on your own)  How do I know how many I found you might wonder?  Well, it is because on the that dreadful day in February, I found 2 pennies and I knew they were winks from God and I started dropping each penny found in a jar.

On the day in February, I found a penny in the parking lot as I was dragging my broken heart and all my personal belongings from my office to the car.  I then found another penny when I was walking into my best friends house.  Shortly after that day, I was going to Boulder to visit my daughter for the weekend.  It was a 3 hour drive through the mountains and I had lots of time in the car with just me and God.  We talked almost the whole way there.  I was asking Him to give me direction on whether or not to move back to Texas, I was asking for help in finding a job, thanking Him for letting me survive the last week or so, thanking Him for my support system, and b.e.g.g.i.n.g. Him to help me put my life back together.  Just as I had finished a rather long begging session, a penny rolled right out of my air conditioner vent and smack into my cup of tea in the cup holder.   It was so crazy!  The rest of the trip was spent singing His praises at the top of my lungs!  That day I started listening to a Christian radio station.  For the last 5 1/2 years, I almost only listen to Christian music of some form or another.  I listen to other music intermittently, but I always go back to worship music. The day on the sky bridge when I got the call from the detective, I found a penny in the elevator.  Every single time I went to court, I found a penny.  I found pennies everywhere I went. I even found a penny at camp.  I am certain a deputy must have dropped it. I found this on the day I was pulled out of my cell to be informed that my youngest daughter was in the emergency room with internal bleeding.  As a momma, it doesn't matter how old your children are, when something is wrong with them you are supposed to be there for them.  It was devastating and I was grieving.  I was quietly praying in the classroom and with my head still bowed I opened my eyes.  There it was, a shiny penny just under the book shelf.  Praise God my daughter was fine, but it was tragic to be so far away and unable to talk to her for several more hours. That penny was just a subtle reminder that God was near and I needed to trust Him.  I am a rule follower, but I broke a no contraband rule and carried that penny next to my heart the rest of the time I was there.

God winks of all sorts saw me through my 30 days at camp.

I forgot to tell you in my sentencing day post that I was also sentenced to 500 hours of community service.  That was a lot of hours!  On my first visit to the probation office in October I was sent to the community service desk. A desk in the basement surrounded by plants.  The woman manning the desk was soft spoken and non-judgmental. I was handed a pretty large stack of xeroxed copies of places I could go and do community service.  I read through all of them.  I had them spread out from one end of my dining room table to the other.  I was praying about where I should go.  I wanted a place where I felt safe.  A place where not only could I get my hours done, but I could also make a difference. I left all of these options on the dining room table as it was overwhelming to choose.  I prayed about it and the next morning when I went to the table to read them all again, someone had dropped a Wal-Mart receipt, a dollar bill, 2 dimes and 3 pennies on the table.  All 3 pennies were sitting on the brochure for the Lubbock Dream Center and all the other items were on another brochure.  Well, that made my decision easy!  The Dream Center it was!

With a great deal of embarrassment, I called the Dream Center and explained that I had 500 hours of community service to do and I would like to do it with them.  The girl that answered the phone was astonished at the number of hours I had to do, but cheerfully told me that I could come in anytime between the hours of 10:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. Monday - Thursday and they would put me to work.

The next morning I was there just a few minutes before 10:00 a.m. and I was welcomed by the campus pastor and the compassion ministry coordinator.  They were having a big event the next day and I was assigned to cleaning toilets, setting up tables, hanging flags from various countries around the sanctuary that subbed as an event room and prepping things in the kitchen for the next day.  During the course of the day it was mentioned that they didn't know exactly what they were going to do for dessert.  They had several volunteers lined up to fix and serve the actual meal, but no idea what they were going to do for dessert.  The Holy Spirit promptly reminded me that God had shown me that I was going to have a bakery.  I spoke up and said that my girls and I had an in home bakery and we would be happy to bake desserts for them.  I wouldn't charge them if they would count my work time towards my community service hours.  It was a win-win for all of us.  This was the first order for Baked Bliss. The chocolate cakes we made that day were a hit and that entire day I worked the event.  I got to sit in as the event was going on.  It was a luncheon about missions.  That explains the flags I hung the day before.  I was in such awe of the speakers.  They told stories of giving up so much to serve God throughout the nations.  I quickly realized my little time away from my family at camp sharing about Jesus while I was there, was nothing in comparison to the things these people were doing.  On this day, my heart grew for the nations and the missionaries that serve the nations. For the first time in my life I really understood what being a missionary was about.  The sacrifices, the hardships, the glory, the honor.  All of it.  

I went to the Dream Center the next morning just as the doors were opened and I was again given toilet cleaning duties and additional chores in the clothing closet, then the food pantry.  The people of the Dream Center are kind and encouraging.  I am grateful this is where I chose.  Thank you God for pointing me to the Dream Center.

After a couple of weeks working from 10:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Monday through Thursday I have gotten to know the staff and they have gotten to know a little about me and my story.  The Compassion Ministry Coordinator has sat with me during lunch for several days.  She and I have talked about my previous career.  She asks if I have any experience with spreadsheets and various other administrative things.  I tell her yes, I do! The next day she relieves me of my toilet cleaning duties and gives me tasks in her office.

I am treating my community service as a job.  My parents and I have discussed the enormous amount of hours I need to complete and they have given me the opportunity to focus on those hours, do baking when I can and they will help me with my bills.  Once my community service hours are done, then I can look for a job.

From October to February, I work all day Monday - Thursday every single week. In November there is a Turkey Giveaway at the Dream Center.  There is a television station that is going to run a story about the Dream Center and the giveaway and they will be filming from 5:00 a.m. - 7:30 a.m.  My supervisor at the DC (Dream Center) asks if she could purchase some cinnamon rolls from my little home bakery.  Of course I said yes.  My cinnamon rolls are huge and have a secret ingredient of mashed potatoes.  They always receive rave reviews.  I am delighted to do this for the DC and to make a little extra money.  We offer the reporter a cinnamon roll during a break and she loves them.  In the next segment she highlights the cinnamon rolls and gives Baked Bliss a shout out.  The next week my Facebook is flooded with requests for treats for Thanksgiving.  It was amazing!  On this same morning I meet the fundraising coordinator for the DC.  She and I visit and she tells me about a project called Resurrection Funky Junk that raises money for the DC.  She explains that they have a warehouse where they repurpose furniture, jewelry, clothing and all sorts of things.  She invites me to help.  I am excited and jump at the opportunity.

My evenings are filled with painting at this warehouse.  I become good friends with the ladies that come to paint each night.  These ladies have since become my dear friends. In fact we meet each week for bible study, we travel together, we do life together.  I discover that Resurrection Funky Junk also has vendors that sell their goods at an annual event.  I am invited to sell cookies at the event.  Once again, my business is given a little boost.

My little bakery is doing okay, but it is not enough to pay all my bills.  My parents are having to supplement my income each and every month.  I set a date in my mind where I am not going to ask them for any more money.  I don't have a job and I still have a bit of community service hours to finish, but I am trusting in the Lord to provide.  It is the week before my 'I'm not asking again' deadline and I am significantly short on funds to cover all of my bills.  I had bills that I created when I was making a very large salary and they didn't just go away because I no longer had that job.  I am at the warehouse painting and I ask the ladies to pray for provision.  My dear friend suggests that I create a cookie card.  This card will be the cost of 10 dozen cookies, but the buyer will actually receive 12 dozen cookies.  It is a brilliant idea.  I have 1 week to sell enough of these cards to cover my expenses and not have to ask my parents for money.  We put the word out.  Within 4 days, I have sold enough cards to not only cover my current month's expenses, but to cover the following month as well.  I am still in awe of God's provisions.

February rolls around and I have completed my 500 hours.  The DC had become like a second home to me and I was truly going to miss being there each day.  On my very last day, my supervisor asks me if I would be interested in working for the DC part time.  My heart skipped at least 10 beats! Yes! Yes! I would be honored!  The job will be for 20 hours per week and will pay just over minimum wage.  I am ecstatic!  I have never been so happy to be offered a job.  God was sending pennies from heaven in the form of a job and a paycheck!

I work from February to July at the DC.  I am putting in my 20 hours, volunteering additional hours and baking as much as possible.  It is enough to cover my bills.  It is not giving me the lifestyle I had previously, but it is giving me freedom and integrity.

The DC is owned by a local church.  In July I am told of a full time job opening at the church.  It is in the finance department.  God has given me such a gift when it comes to accounting.  I love working with numbers.  I don't see any way possible that I could ever get this job considering everything that had happened in my life.  My supervisor encourages me to go for it.  She speaks to the leadership at the church and tells them a bit of my story.  I am asked to come in for an interview and to elaborate on exactly what had happened.  I am a mess.  I am so nervous.  At this point, it was still difficult to tell my story.  There was so much shame attached to it.  So much failure and loss.  I nervously sat on the big couch in the Executive Pastor's office as he and 4 others asked me questions about my skills and about my past.  I told them everything.  I cried a lot.  First time I had ever cried in a job interview.  Surely, that was not a good thing to do.  They were all attentive and compassionate.  They knew of God's mercy, grace and restoration and even though the enemy had filled me with shame and anxiety, they comforted me and encouraged me.  They asked for bits and pieces of the discovery, they called my ex-boss and spoke to him about every detail he had read, heard, seen during my ordeal. Verified that I had been open and honest with him about my legal woes.  Verified my story on why I no longer had a job there.  It took several weeks for a decision to be made.  There were others who needed to know my story and give their opinions.  Prayers needed to be said and decernment was needed.  Glory be to God from whom all blessings flow!  i got the job.  What a blessing!

Pennies are tangible God winks.
Praise God for divine appointments!
God is without a doubt our provider!

THE BEAUTY AND GRACE OF LETTER WRITING

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up,

 just as you are doing.  

1 Thessalonians 5:11

I will leave you for today with some of the sweet letters from my friends. I have asked permission to share these, because they are so powerful and they need to be shared.  Letters that show what God can do, if you just take Him with you no matter where you go.