BE STILL...

For I know the plans I have for you, declares

 the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

As I am escorted back to my cold little room, I hear the chains of my shackles and the others as we march down the long dingy green hallway.  I am overwhelmed with the enormous bail that has been placed on my case.  I am thinking there is no way I am getting out of this place anytime soon.  Tears are quietly streaming down my face as we walk back into the booking area.  I see a man through a big glass window.  He is talking to the lady at the desk and I see him pointing in my direction. I am called out of line and over to the desk.  I am introduced to the man with the kind voice from earlier.  He tells me I will be out of there in just a few short minutes.  If I could have leaped through the big glass window and kissed him, I would have.  Through the grace of God, a great bond's man and my parent's love and hard earned money.......I was being set free!  I was going to sleep in my bed that night.  

The 14 hour drive home was long and quiet.  Neither my daddy or I said much.  He just held my hand and we quietly counted down the miles to HOME.  We drove way into the early morning, but it was worth it. 

I was front page news the next morning in that small little Colorado town. I was also plastered across many news stations.  The strangest thing to me was that all of this had transpired and not a single person other than my attorney had asked me my side of the story.  Not the detective, not the DA and not anyone from the media.

I didn't go into work until after lunch and I was dreading talking to my boss.  He was a strong christian man and I admired him.  He had only known me for 6 months.  He knew my work skills, but didn't know me.  Before the holiday, I had told him I needed a couple of extra days off.  He didn't ask any questions as to why and I didn't offer any details.  I trusted him and up until this point he trusted me.  I walked into his office and literally blurted everything out.  Told him the whole dirty story.  He was shocked, looked like a deer caught in the headlights and had little to say.  He told me he needed a minute and that he would come find me later that afternoon.  I went to my office and did my best to work.  

When he walked into my office, my stomach immediately tightened and I prepared myself for him to tell me I no longer had a job.  Instead he said he was going to tell the VP of HR everything that was going on.  He was going to see what his options were and pray about what he should do.  He headed out of my office door, turned around and said "See you tomorrow.  We have lots of work to do, so get some rest."  I went home with a tiny tiny hope that things were going to be okay with my job.

The next day I had a meeting with my boss and the VP of HR they both took tedious notes as I explained what had been going on.  They had spoken to a handful of people about the situation.  They were very blunt and honest and told me some people wanted me out the door that day.  Glory to God!  There were more that wanted to take baby steps and let me keep my job until further notice.

So when you get arrested there is this thing called discovery.  This is every bit of information the detective gathers and the DA uses to make a case.  As the defendant, you are entitled to a complete copy of the discovery.  Sifting through pages and pages and more pages of discovery you can find out just what the people in your life think of you.  It is astonishing!  The questions that are asked often don't even pertain to your case. 

I have this 749 pages of discovery and I read every single word.  To my surprise more sweet, complimentary, caring and kind things are said about me than negative.  The detective has interviewed soooooo many people.  None of my bloodline, but lots of other people.  I was actually humbled and honored by some of the statements.  The words of the people fighting against me though, those words stung. Truly brutal.  Some of their words were truth, truth that wasn't the best side of me.  Truth that was hard to admit, but mostly their words were fabricated tales of things that never happened. 

On a funny note, one of my employees (at the hospital in Colorado) that really thought she should have my job and I hers told the funniest story to the detective.  We had weekly leadership meetings for my department.  I had 7 mangers that worked under me.  One day this particular lady came into the meeting and you could tell she had been crying.  We were a pretty tight-knit group and often started our meetings with just casual conversation.  How's your kids/spouse?  Did you watch Real Housewives last night? What are your plans for the weekend?  How much snow do you think we will get?  Girl, where'd you get those shoes?  So, it was not unusual for us to rally around her and encourage her.  She explained to us that her husband was being a jerk.  They had a big fight.  He was wrong, she was right.  She just wanted to give him a big ole swift kick somewhere south of the belt.  We all agreed that husbands can be that way sometimes and we, the wives, just had to deal with their jerkiness from time to time.  Well her comment about giving him a kick spurred on other conversation about what we would like to do to our husbands when they were being less than lovable.  Everyone had a story.  Some more thought out and vivid than others. When it came to my turn I told them that my husband was terrified of being sticky.  Like really, seriously, illogically afraid of stickiness.  So, I told them if he ever made me mad enough or hurt me I would just pop his knees with a skillet and cover him in honey while he slept. Totally joking.  Totally just trying to lighten the mood.  Well, when I read what she told the detective about me......this story was staring back at me in black and white.  She had conveniently left out everything that led up to that conversation and her own plans to punish her misbehaving husband.  I cracked up laughing as I read this.  Oh my goodness, really?  Why in the world would you have thrown that in there?  

After I finish combing through every bit of discovery I am somewhat relieved.  The 6 counts against me are devastating and ugly, but anyone reading all of this can surely see I didn't do these things.  It is right there, the holes in the story from #1 stepson and consultant #3.  The lies that don't match up with timelines and bank statements. The support of those that know me best. I am convinced this is going to be thrown out and we can all get back to normal.  I loved Jesus and He loved me and He was going to make this all go away!

I shared the discovery with my boss, who in turn shared it with the handful of people making decisions about my destiny at this particular job.  Again, some wanted me out and some could see that my story lined up with these details and the things I was being accused of just couldn't be fact.  Once again, my job was spared.  The VP of HR told me, "We are going to walk through this minefield with you and until something blows up, you have a job."  Once again, God is so good.

I am ashamed to say that at this point I am somewhat of a very arrogant Christian. I love Jesus and in my opinion it is obvious the ones fighting against me do not.  I was like, come on God, save me, vindicate me.  I'm your daughter and it is clear I love you way more than these other people do.  Put them in their place God!  Set this story straight!  I prayed and prayed and prayed, but so far nothing. 

This maybe way too much information for some of you, but I find I do my best praying and talking to God at times when I am naked.  The tanning bed, the shower, long baths and so on. I am very thankful that God made me and knows every part of me, because I seriously love to talk to Him during these quiet times.....when I am vulnerable......aka naked.  

One night I was in the bathtub praying.  Truth be told, I was angry and yelling at God.  Why hadn't He swooped in and saved me? All of a sudden I had his overwhelming sense of sorrow and sadness for being angry at God. I was compelled to literally crawl out of the bathtub and fall on my face and ask Him to forgive me and just help me.  So, that is just what I did.  Laying face down, dripping wet on my bathroom floor,  forgive me and show me Your will was now my prayer.  It was very powerful and He honestly audibly (if it wasn't audible, it sure felt like it) spoke to me and said "Do you trust Me?" I whispered "yes."  He said "Then be still and let Me work."

Then He got into the boat and His disciples followed Him.

Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake,

so that the waves swept over the boat. 

But Jesus was sleeping.  

The disciples went and woke Him,

saying

"LORD, save us! We are going to drown!"

He replied, 

"You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"

Then He got up 

and said to the winds and the waves....

BE STILL, and it was completely calm.

~Matthew 8:23-26

I have to make several trips back and forth to Colorado for court dates.  Each time I go there is another news story about me in the papers.  Each time it is less than accurate.  Each time it is only bits and pieces and never the whole truth.  Still, not a single person with any power in this situation has asked me or my bloodline a question.  My fourth trip to court 4 of the counts against me are dropped.  These were the counts that held the most weight and questioned my integrity the most. These were also the counts that when you read the discovery, you just couldn't make them hold up.  The only 2 counts remaining were related to those 2 pieces of paper I had signed on a horrible, terrible, rotten, no good day in February 2011.  Thank you Jesus!  

I learned a lot about our judicial system and about the media.  I won't go into details, but I will say that I no longer believe most of what is reported.

My DA was tough and he was on the fast track to higher courts.  He liked to win (I mean seriously, who doesn't) and this was a high profile case because it involved the hospital and a high ranking employee.  My attorney told me on several occasions that he wished I could get reassigned to a different DA, but he didn't see any possible way.  He didn't say these things because this DA was unfair or unethical, he didn't say these things because other DAs were less qualified, he said them because my DA had a strong winning record.  I diligently prayed about this and one day I get a call from my attorney and he says "I don't know how this happened, but your DA just got a big job offer in another city and you have been reassigned."  I told him I knew exactly how it happened and that my God was a good God. (Please note I do not mean anything derogatory toward any DAs on my case.  I am just stating that this one was tough and he was a very good DA.  I mean no disrespect to him or the court.  They have a job to do and it is not an easy one.)

At this point I just had a complete calmness and I KNEW it wasn't going to be easy, but it was going to be okay!  I promised God that moment that no matter what I was going to go through, I was taking Him with me.

As we get deeper and deeper into the he said/she said part of my case, my attorney tells me that if we go to trial it is likely my attorney fees will be well over $150,000.  So, now what?

Sometimes you just have to be still.

God always knows what He is doing.

He doesn't need our opinion or suggestions.

A day with God by my side is not my worst day.