Come to me, all you who are weary
and burdened, and I will
give you rest.
~Matthew 11:28
The first night in the pod I met most of the ladies. To my surprise, they were all so helpful and kind. Very quickly they showed me the ropes, how to order commissary, how to request a razor and other shower supplies, taught me a card game, told me about classes and 'good time' days, shared tid bits of their own stories. I was no longer scared of these women, I was connected to them and I felt safe.
On this first night, I did not have a roommate. This was a blessing. I was able to just go to bed, pray and fall asleep. I had ordered phone minutes and by the next afternoon, I should be able to talk to my family.
At 4:00 a.m. our doors pop open and we are expected to file out into the common area and have breakfast. 4:00 a.m.? What? Who is hungry at 4:00 a.m.? Just another camp rule that really makes little sense to me. I very quickly learn that our days will be divided by meal times, activity time, lock down times and then repeat. Here was a typical day:
4:00 a.m.- 4:45 a.m. Breakfast and then back to cell
5:00 a.m. - 5:45 a.m. Clean, sweep, mop, gather laundry, etc. for our own cells
5:46 a.m. - 9:00 a.m. Lock down.......this is when you are locked in your cell and cannot come out
9:00 a.m. -11:00 a.m. Activity time - you are allowed in and out of your cell, you can watch tv, play games, attend classes, exercise in a tiny little caged in outdoor slab,make phone calls, pretty much just whatever you wanted to do within the confines of the common area and the little slab outside.
11:00 a.m. - 12:20 p.m. Lock down
12:20 p.m. - 1:05 p.m. Lunch
1:05 p.m. - 2:00 p.m. Lock down
2:00 p.m. - 3:45 p.m. Activity time
3:45 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. Lock down
4:00 p.m. - 4:45 p.m. Supper
4:45 p.m, - 7:00 p.m. Lock down -- mail comes around 6:00 p.m. each evening. This is either a very happy time or a very depressing time.
7:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m. Activity time
** if you are a trustee, you have serving and cleaning duties before and after each meal and after each activity time.
I have been camping for a week or so now, things are becoming routine. My roommate is the wild eyed girl. We are getting along just fine. I am truly getting to know the other ladies. I have learned that if you attend classes or 'church' each 7 classes/services you attend will equal what they call a good time day. Each good time day is 1 less day you have to stay at camp. I am taking every class.....life after incarceration, parenting (my kids are grown!), AA (rarely ever drink), NA (NEVER did drugs) and attend every 'church' service they have.......Non-Denominational, Catholic, Baptist, Latter Day Saints, Jehovah Witness. They had it, I attended it! Woooooohoooooo.......
I have started receiving mail, each day I anticipate the wheels of the mail cart and wait to hear my name called out and my door to pop open. Some days cards and letters come without envelopes (colored envelopes were not allowed), some days my cards are photo copied and I don't get the actual card (glitter, stickers and such are not allowed. All of these will be in with my personal belongings when I am released.), the stamps are always torn off, my mail is always pre-read by a clerk or deputy (same with my out going mail). I don't care how I get it, mail from home is always a good thing! It is a good thing until I receive a Dear John letter from the hospital that had so boldly supported me throughout this whole ordeal.
During the reorganization at the hospital, very strict rules were put into place regarding time off. No one was allowed time off unless it was an emergency. Unfortunately, my time at camp was going to be too long off. Being at camp also made a felony seem a little more real to the powers that be and the corporate offices in California had decided that this was all just too much. My Dear John letter was cold, legalistic and in form letter style. My heart was broken. I tried to reach out to my boss when the doors opened for activity time and I was allowed to use the phone, no answer. I tried over and over and over and eventually I was just sent to voicemail before it even rang. I would later find out that he just couldn't do it. It was too hard. He had such a great heart and had fought so hard for me. In the end, corporate minds were made up and there was no more opportunity to fight.
Panic sets in immediately! What am I going to do? How am I going to survive? No one is going to hire a felon! Even if I tried to explain everything, no one is going to take the time to listen! My world is really ending this time! Why oh why did I take this deal? What am I going to tell my family? Everyone is going to be so disappointed in me! The enemy's voice was deafening! All I could hear were his lies. These lies from a forked tongue were on repeat in my brain. I didn't buy an ice cream with my coupons (which was a Friday night treat, that had become a highlight of my weeks), I didn't want to do anything but run back to my cell. I didn't want to call home. I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry. To be completely transparent, for a fleeting moment I thought death would be the only thing to save me or my family. (I have never ever told anyone this.....not even my family) I am not kidding when I say the enemy was having a field day with my thoughts. Retrospectively, this was so very minor in comparison to everything else I had been through. But......the enemy had found a way to get into my thoughts, if only for a moment.
I did drag myself out of my bunk after about an hour and make myself go over to the payphone and one by one call each member of my family. I called everyone in my family every night during the 7:00 activity time, if I didn't call they would all be so worried.. My parents were my first call. My momma and daddy are both encouraging me. "We will get through this." my daddy says. "God hasn't brought you this far to leave you now." are my momma's first words. My daddy quickly agrees with her and says "Honey, we have been blessed. We will help you until you find a job." My mom echos his thoughts. I am starting to feel better. I call my oldest daughter and she is just as encouraging. I call my youngest daughter and she agrees with everyone else. So, why was I dreading these calls? I have the best family ever! I am so dearly loved! Thank you God for my family! Thank you God for letting their words remind me of Who you are! Forgive me Lord for letting myself get so far down the road of hopelessness! You have spoken audibly to me and told me to trust You! How could I forget this? I will be still and let you lead me. Let YOU work.
I play a few card games and visit with my camp mates until time for lock down. My spirits are lifted and even though my heart is still sad, I know God is with me.
It is time for lock down and I get ready for bed. I am still disappointed and anxious about what my future holds, but I do have hope and I do trust God. My prayers that night are fervent and long, so long that I actually fall asleep while praying. During the night my dreams are vivid and from the Lord. I awake with excitement and a thousand things running through my head. During the night the Lord had shown me through my dreams a bakery. A bakery called Baked Bliss. This was to be a source of income for me. My grandfather had been a baker, but I had never thought of baking for a living. I enjoyed baking, but it was not something that I aspired to do for money. Did I really have the skills to pull this off? How would all of this work? So many questions, but mostly confident that this was to be. It was still way early in the morning hours, earlier than 4:00 a.m. breakfast, but as I did not have a clock in my cell I didn't know exactly how early. Okay God, was this really You? I think it was You! How can I be sure? It was You, right? As I am carrying on this conversation a washrag slips from the rail beside my bed to the ground. That's odd. I get an idea, Lord, if this is really from you........will You please some how put that washrag back up on the railing? I know that fleecing is odd and not a new testament request and it shows lack of faith in my ability to hear God and frowned upon by many, but I needed to know. My dream was crazy and out of nowhere, so I thought it was God......but the enemy had played so many tricks with my mind the afternoon before. Right or wrong, I asked. My eyes are closed and I am just asking God to supernaturally move a washrag for me....no big deal. I open my eyes and IT IS IN FACT ON THE RAILING AND EVER SO SLIGHTLY SWAYING BACK AND FORTH. Okay then, how do I start a bakery?
It was Saturday, so I could call my girls and family during the first morning activity time, I didn't have to wait for everyone to get off work. My entire family was at my parent's house for the weekend. I called and had my momma put me on speaker phone. I tell everyone about my dream and the washrag. There is much excitement from the other end of the phone line. Oh thank You Jesus for phone minutes and Saturday mornings where my whole family is gathered in one spot. Everyone is on board. This crazy out of nowhere, straight from our good and sovereign Father plan is just what we all needed.
The Holy Spirit ever so gently reminds me that when I am still and trust in the Lord all things are possible. In fact things bigger and better than I can think or imagine are possible.
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| If you can't read this, it says: Planning for our future and was posted by my daughter Aug30, 2012 |
God always, always.....always shows up.
Why is it so hard to be still?
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