What A Day!

Has God ever spoken so clearly to you that you know EXACTLY what He is asking you to do and you just didn't want to do it?  Maybe it's because you think you're not good enough or that you will make a fool of yourself.  Maybe you think you don't have time or that someone will judge you.  No matter the excuse, He just keeps nudging and nudging and you finally surrender.  

Confession,this is exactly why I am sitting here (finally) at this keyboard attempting to write my very first blog. Really, this is  more of an introduction to my story rather than the beginning of a blog.  This is the story of an ending that became a beginning. One day it will transform into a  blog or possibly a book. God has been nudging me to do this for a very long time and I just really didn't want to do it.  I didn't want to do it for all the reasons I just mentioned.  In reality, deep down I am honored to share my story, thoughts and various other things with you.  I know that the excuses and fears are simply the enemy trying to discourage me from shouting the goodness of my God!

For today, I will share with you a tiny bit of my story........

Until February 23, 2011 my life had been, in my opinion 'normal' and without any major earth shattering events.  Sure, I had suffered loss, death and divorce. Even with those things, all in all my life was good.  I was raised in a loving Christian home. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior at an early age, my parents were still married and so in love, I had a very lucrative career, I was raising a blended family with 9 children (2 of my own and 7 step children), my husband had a fun and exciting job in the film industry, my family was healthy, my oldest biological daughter had graduated from Texas Tech in December and gotten married in January and my youngest biological daughter was doing very well at CU Boulder. My step children were doing well in relationships and school.  I was happy and content.

Everything in my world was turned upside down in less than 2 hours on February 23, 2011!  I had just gotten back to work from a yummy lunch with my husband.  It's so funny, I can remember every detail about our lunch that day.  I remember what we were both wearing, what we both ordered, in my mind I can still see the left over portions of my meal on the blue plate sitting in front of me, I remember our conversation, I remember the snow falling and how good the heater felt on my feet as we drove, the kiss he gave me as he dropped me off at the hospital doors, who I spoke with on the way back to my office.  So many details!  Our Sr. Pastor recently spoke to the staff about defining moments in life.  For me, this day was a defining moment.

About 15 minutes after I returned to work,  my #1 stepson who was 24 at the time walks in my office door.  He had been diagnosed several years before as being bipolar. He and I worked very hard and extremely well together on controlling his ups and downs, his outbursts and consequences.  When things would get out of control, together we would work through the aftermath and do our best to form a plan to avoid the same situation in the future.  I was good at handling his crisis mode. We had, or so I thought, a good relationship.  I loved him as my own and I thought he really loved and respected me.  When he walked in my office, I immediately recognized the wild look in his eyes and the erratic actions.  I could tell he was wound up and ready to explode.  I prepared myself for a melt down and was already forming a plan as to how to handle whatever crisis he found himself in.  What happened next, I would never have dreamed in my wildest nightmares.  He was demanding a lot of things from me and he was more aggressive with me than usual.  His loud outbursts and pounding on my desk triggered my secretary to come in and make sure everything was okay.  At that moment, he picked up my stapler and hurled it at her, grazing her shoulder.  I went into full crisis mode and thought........If I can only get him to calm down and out of my office, I will be able to sort through whatever is going on this evening when I get home.  He was demanding that I sign a couple of papers.  At first I told him no, we needed to talk through this and get down to the true root of his frustration.  After the stapler incident, he then told me that he was going to his truck to get a gun if I did not do as he asked.  With that, I signed the papers, sent him on his way and started praying about what we would discuss once I got home.

45 minutes later, I am still sitting in a daze of what just transpired and my phone rings.  It is my husband.  I answer expecting him to be calling to check on me and to say he was sorry for yet another incident with #1 stepson.  To my shock, he is telling me that he had just filed for divorce.  He had reconnected with the girl he dated in 8th grade on Facebook. They were madly in love and he was moving in with her!  Wait......was he at the same lunch I was?  Did he not remember the excellent conversation and the sweet kiss goodbye?

As I hung up the phone and tried to compose myself, the VP of HR walks into my office and asks if I could meet with him in my boss' office.  An hour later I had submitted my resignation.  I have been informed that #1 stepson caused more havoc armed with the papers I had signed and the threat of the same gun he used to persuade me to sign the papers. I am now considered a risk to the hospital.

I leave the hospital broken-hearted, confused and defeated.  I am a stress eater, so I go straight to Dairy Queen and order a large vanilla milkshake for myself, a large chocolate milkshake for my best friend and just for good measure I add on 2 orders of fries. I am going to my bestie's house, spill my guts on what has just happened, devour my treats, find some comfort and advice from my dearest friend and some how formulate a plan to get my life back to happy and normal.  Through blurry tear-stained eyes I pull up to the window anticipating the frozen goodness that awaits me and fumble in my purse for my debit card. I hand the card to the girl in the window and within 2 seconds she hands me the card stating it was declined. I hand her a credit card, declined.  I hand her another credit card, declined.  Okay, I am most certainly in the middle of the strangest and most frustrating nightmare of my life.  Please God, let me wake up!  None of these events are logical, so it must be a nightmare.  Girl in the window,  "Ma'am, there are people behind you.  You need to pull around until you can figure this out."  I rummage around my purse and the ashtray stuffed full of coins and come up with the money to pay for the ice cream and fries.  The girl in the window rolls her eyes, mutters something under her breath and shews me on with a flicking of her wrist.  As I am pulling away I call the bank to find out my account has exactly zero dollars and zero cents in it.  I call both the credit card companies....accounts are maxed out.

This was not a nightmare!
This was a horrible, terrible, rotten, no good day!
This was NOT my worst day.